You can always spot them — they're the one at the gathering around whom there is a large space. They are a vaguely discomforting or perhaps even a deeply disturbing experience for most people to be around. But the problem isn't "B.O.", it's the "germ that caught penicillin" reaction. For they are people who have a handle on the Truth to a degree that is quite alarming to others. They are the "ahead of their times" guys and gals. These are the "ugly ducklings".
This whole "pariah/outcast" problem started right at the beginning, when their mother noticed that there was something "different" about them, and that the individual was more than she bargained for in horsepower. This instantly precipitates her control efforts that convey to the individual that there is something dreadfully wrong about them. They carry that self-concept and all subsequent rejections serve to validate and perpetuate it — to the point where it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy pattern. And this takes the form of assassination-seeking by calling attention to issues and realities that no one wants to confront and some one kills them for it. "The World According to Garp", a Robin Williams film, was about an "ugly duckling".
HOW DID THEY GET THIS WAY?
What happens here is that the mother senses that her child is too much for her, either situationally, biologically and/or spiritually — that she's outclassed. Most frequently, it is a case of a super-force being able to run circles around her. Her reaction is to seize control of the situation by taking advantage of the individual's biologic vulnerability at the foetus-neonate stage to put her self firmly in charge by grabbing the child's lifeline before it's too late.
She in effect threatens to withdraw the lifeline and the loveline and the life support systems whenever the child engages in any self-direction, self-determination, self-expression, need-manifestation and/or event-programming, in the belief that she must be in complete control at all times. She also starts systematically engaging in capriciousness and unpredictability, so that she remains an enigmatic and non-comprehensible system so the child can have no means of controlling her or of reality-reference.
The message to the budding "ugly duckling" is, "Don't you DARE!!!". It often starts in the intrauterine period, and the effect is to train the individual to "self-checkmate" — to react to any incipient intention to impact or communicate the truth with immediate self-stopping, utilizing virtually all of the individual's own equipment on the task of self-suppression.
Thus, all the mother has to do is to give the infant "THAT LOOK" (or its equivalent) and the individual goes into total emergency survival-scramble, activating all their inner resources in self-preservation. In this manner, even a very simple woman can completely convenience-control the most brilliant, complex or advanced soul in the world with the slightest subtle signal. And she can use it through-out the child's tenure with her as an "anchor" or precipitating stimulus any time the "ugly duckling" threatens to be a bother or to get out of hand in any way.
Another process that is often involved is symbiosis-preservation and individuation-prevention, so that the individual will be enslaved to her feelings, experiences, desires, needs and role in their life for the rest of her life as her own "private preserve". She also does it in such a way as to generate a "self-punishing" program. This is where when the individual tries to become themselves, instead of being just a specialized support system and engaging in total capitulation to the mother, the individual immediately "tricks" themselves into self-defeating and ostracism-generating strategies, tactics, behaviors and events, again via the "self-checkmating" process. In other words, she uses the already established "control anchor" behaviors to create this type of self-restricting and "tie that grinds" sustaining outcome as well.
The effect on their experience and functioning of having the "anchoring stimulus" "fired at them" is one of threatened annihilation, combined with massively punishing total disruption-destruction of their performance along the lines of, "THAT'll learn ya!". In other words, "If you EVER do that again, THIS is what will happen to you!". And the individual becomes terrified, intimidated and immobilized by their own "self-checkmating" survival system.
The overall attempt on the part of the mother is to keep the kid in line, to "make a swan into a duck" that she can manage and then draw upon as a resource for the rest of her life. And of course, the individual makes a "terrible duck", and no one recognizes their "swanhood". So what ends up happening is that they are perceived as a "dreadful duck" by the mother, by the environment and by themselves. So the world is led to join the mother and the individual in punishing and rejecting them for being an inadequate duck — "YOU don't FIT!" .
Another dynamic that often enters here is the mother's feeling that the child's differentness is an "accusation" of deviant inadequacy on her part, with a resulting fury and/or guilt-avoidant blame-throwing reaction. Any attempts by the "ugly duckling" to manifest selfhood then become harnessed into "outcast-producing" outcomes for the individual. That is, the mother "anchors in" self-defeating and alienation-inducing, self-punishing and self-checkmating behaviors with one her few positive reactions, and she also "anchors out" any self-enhancing and self-advancing self-committed behaviors with "THE LOOK" or whatever her annihilation-threatening anchoring behavior is. And the kid gets the message that they can do no right, that they caused World War II, and that if they aren't super-careful, they'll precipitate World War III.
A rather interesting variation on the theme is when the mother herself is an "ugly duckling" who has had all the "pariah-outcast" experiences, and who does the same self-defeating and self-checkmating thing herself. What happens here is a "projective identification" attacking response on the hated aspects of herself, which paradoxically produces the very thing she hates in herself in the child.
WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?
The "ugly duckling's" experience is that they are different, which means that they are deviant, which means that they are dangerously destructive and despicable. This, in turn, leads them into desperate attempts at being a reassuring "good duck", which of course fail dismally, which only adds intensely to their growing desperation. The other thing it precipitates is a growing "assassination-anxiety", as they discover how alarming and evil-seeming they are. They end up with a "delusions of devilishness" self-experience.
They come to deeply fear their power, out of "world-destruction" expectations if they manifest themselves fully. All the early blame-throwing, accountability-attributing, incompetence-induction and self-checkmating anchoring, in conjunction with all the inputs from the "50,000,000 Frenchmen" as to who they are and what their impact and effect is, generate an "immobilization-freak out" in which the "ugly duckling" tries very hard not to precipitate utter disaster.
They have the feeling of universal power and omnipotent evilness-avalanching. They have the feeling that they have to do something, but anything they do could be the end of the world! So they get into a "Don't just stand there! It's your responsibility to fix it! Move! No! Don't move! Move! No, don't!", etc. They end up frozen in fear of themselves. And, of course, the "self-checkmating" process of blowing themselves out of the saddle every time they start to manifest themselves kicks in as well. Out of all this, they develop disability, self-distrust, despair and a pronounced propensity to self-destruction.
They have a gut conviction that their personal power kills (themselves, through the annihilation-anxiety anchor experience, and the world, through the accusational history). So they set out to kill as much of their power as they can in order to prevent harm and to survive. They also become profoundly guilty and shameful about their having so much "evil" personal power.
They are also forever disappointed in themselves for not being enough, due to the studied incompetence power-undermining and the alienation-inducing "pariah-producing" patterns. They also are deeply disturbed that they can't seem to "turn off, tone down" or "tune out" their "devil-power". Their basic feeling becomes, "I just don't have what it takes!". They also have the feeling that, "They've got a secret for success I'll never have", and that "There's something horribly wrong with me!".
They also can't differentiate themselves out as a separate individual because of all the self-derailing programming they got, and because they feel so fearful, guilty, angry and despairing any time they start any form of self-manifestation. When they commence to express who they are, their alienation— and punishment-eliciting patterns get activated, and the environment immediately squelches all such self-expressions. After a while, the "ugly duckling" becomes an instant "Mr. Hyde" any time self-initative is attempted, and a fear of "demonic takeover" develops that sees to it that they rarely if ever do.
The result is a gut level conclusion that they don't deserve quality of life or perhaps even to live, much less love and be loved. "Nothing but the very worst for me!" becomes their attitude. They develop a heavy "What's the use?", and "No matter what I do, it's useless." orientation. They tend to become an emotionally insulated walking cerebrum and a sealed off self-contained unit. They become some-thing of a despair-freak in a shut down "Not for me" pattern. They feel abandoned by God, and that it's all their fault. Their feeling is that there is nothing to live for, and they live out a total resignation-despair trip. They learn to live apart as an ejectee-rejectee-dejectee, and they cut off their capabilities, they restrict their resources, and they become increasingly developmentally delayed and sometimes derailed in significant areas.
They feel like the "abominable snowman", and that they don't belong here. They feel so bottom line awful about themselves that they fear annihilation for even existing. They become sure the world is out to eliminate this "devilish demon and evil alien". To make matters worse, they become hair-trigger reactive out of their "stake-burning-anxiety", and they are eminently "flappable" in a total distrust-inducing manner. Thus their self-concept brings on exactly what they are afraid of because they expect it to come. They also have the experience that when they get the reality and truth of any-thing, they end up "wondering where the lions are".
They systematically suppress themselves and deflect growth and improvement, lest they bring the wrath of God on themselves, or lest they release the "Incredible Hulk" that they are sure resides inside them. They feel that it is a violation of the moral order to have joy, and that they have to serve to survive. They live out of a "No joy in Mudhill", "caster oil-taking" lifestyle where no "bennies" are allowed, and in which they run on "pitchfork motivation" — minimizing pain rather than maximizing gain. They also do things that feel bad in order to fend off disaster.
They take as evidence that they have to do this the fact that no one cared enough to protect or rescue them from their experience (the absentee father), their conclusion being that no one should rescue them, and that it was all their own fault. Put that together with all the Frenchmen and the self-activated self-defeat process, and they end up feeling nothing ever should, could or would work out for them. So they effectively not only hide their candle under a basket, they try to snuff it out.
"Swanlings" scare the hell out of "ducklings" because they are much bigger, they are rather gangly and gawky, they are black, and they have an odd ring of fur around the middle of their neck, not to mention that weird thing on their nose. Furthermore, they just don't cut it as a "duckling", no matter how hard they try. They therefore find themselves a "stranger in a strange land", an alien who is outside the pale.
They feel like a "hidiola" — a punishment-deserving monster, because "different is worthless, bad and dangerous". They have a terror of societal enforcement processes — of ending up in jail, in a state hospital, being "blackballed" from their means of making a living so they end up homeless, being targeted for a "hit", or being hung from a tree by an angry mob. Their experience is that these are the kinds of things that do and probably should happen to people like them.
They feel like an "untouchable" — a person without a cosmos — alone in a weird world that they can see more clearly because they are on the outside looking in at it all. But much of what they know is right hemisphere "grokking" — gestaltish, intuitive, holistic and even channeled. And when they try to talk about it, they run into the "paradigm problem" of being way ahead of the troops in understanding what's going on to such a degree that their framework and comprehension is far beyond the ken of their audience. They are also aware of "emperor's new clothes" situation and the effect that it had to blow the cover on the whole scenario — on both the boy and on the realm where everyone now knew that there was a fool at the helm of the realm for the next 60 years.
They run into reactions like, "You're full of shit!" or "Prove it!", and they then feel that they don't have the right to the power of self-expression and left hemisphere analytical-pragmatic thinking and its associated paradigm. And they go into a spiraling "murmph" reaction as they increasingly buy the 50,000,000 Frenchmen's point of view. They then end up feeling like the Wizard of Oz, a bluster-bluffing scam, phony and failure who is trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes.
Though they have abilities which result in their towering above and beyond most people, they are forced into functioning like some sort of "failed Merlin" — alone in the tower, separate and serving, but not respected or allowed to share their perspective and powers. Their experience is that people won't believe or understand, and that they might well end up killing the "ugly duckling", with no protection from anywhere.
HOW DO THEY FUNCTION?
Out of their fear of themselves and the world, "ugly ducklings" do a hiding their candle thing, a self-denial thing, and a quiet behind the scenes providing thing as an ostracism— and assassination-avoidance strategy. They also self-checkmate to such a degree that they end up immobilized much of the time. It is in general a self-squashing strategy.
On top of which, they CAN'T hide their power and light under a basket — it shows too much. "Ugly ducklings" generate a lot of distrust and disgust because they are scary and enraging with their ability to see so much that forces accountability and reality on people and that blows covers right and left. People hate it, and they hate the fact that the "ugly duckling' can't be controlled or silenced. So no matter what the "ugly duckling" does, they alienate and alarm everywhere they go.
Furthermore, there is also the very real problem that much of what they know, see and recognize needs to happen can't be transferred or translated into the left hemisphere terms of the dominant paradigm. They also can't relate to and actually are the mortal enemy of manifestation of the paranoid patriarchal and "bottom line" selfish culture. They also feel that they don't dare use their latent skills to move people, that they have to shut up and shut down in such situations, that they have to focus on the concretes, on clarity and on communication, while not getting connected or sharing their awareness — they feel that they have to try to "fit in" and to "shut off the attacks". They have a very hard time with this, because whenever they try to fit in, and when they try to reach out, they are ejected-rejected and not reacted to or reciprocated again.
And to make matters worse, they have a nasty habit of "putting their worst foot forward" all the time. They don't really hurt anyone, but they have a way of showing up as malevolent and dangerous-appearing, and they seem to be seeking to cause great harm with their compulsive eccentricity and pseudo-awfulness arising from their ejectee-rejectee status and their training to "shoot themselves in the foot" while believing it's all their fault. They are, after all, a well-programmed ostracism-elicitor, and they can not uncommonly become so disturbing to others and monstrous-seeming that they effectively become an actual assassination-seeker — their worst fear being realized.
At its worst, the situation devolves into one where instead of a "swan" emerging and moving into its proper place of influence and inspiration, they end up never being validated in their true worth, deeply distrusting of themselves and the world, and going into a "gross-out artist" self-destruct and termination-seeking trip to the bitter end because they believe they deserve it. They are, after all, "rotten ducks", aren't they? Their inclination becomes strongly to do the world a favor by getting themselves eliminated. And because of their scariness and outrageousness, not infrequently, the world obliges them by assassinating them in one way or another. Which happened to both Robin Williams and his fellow "ugly duckling" mother in "The World According to Garp".
HOW CAN THEY BE HELPED?
Self-trust is the central issue for the "ugly duckling". They MUST recognize their gift and appreciate it, to trust their power and perceptions, to outgrow their origins. Self-trust is the key to unflappable confidence that inspires trust. They have to become able to be themselves and to let themselves be — to radiate rather than hiding their light in their empty shell. They also have to find out that 50, 000, 000 Frenchmen CAN be wrong! And certainly were, in their case.
The out-route of all this takes the form of reframing their experiences so that they become aware of the "swan", and so that they then can manifest their destiny. There are two components to this process. The first is dropping the belief in the bullshit about being a monster, a moral cretin and a deserved victim. They have to learn that they never "earned" it, and that they neither deserved it, nor are they helpless and hapless any more. They need to experience that the treatment they got was in response to their positive deviance and for their training for their destiny.
They need to begin to avoid eliciting and desiring rescue and rejection, which assumes powerlessness and "demonic deviance", and it reinforces their victim trip. They need to own their personal worth, and to recognize that their specialness is resource-reflecting, not alienness, awfulness or the cause of all evils. In order to do this, they have to have indisputable experiences that cumulatively take them over the top past the point of no return regarding their self-recognition. It should be noted, however, that they are very apt to have real grief-release processes as they have these self-affirming experiences — a matter of "good grief".
The other component of the healing process is their finding out that it is safe to "come out of the closet". This take three different forms: l) learning that their self-checkmating won't do them in, and that they don't have a "Jekyl-Hyde" syndrome where the "Incredible Hulk" lurks within ready to come pouncing out at any time. 2) learning that the world will not kill them for being themselves and sharing their gifts, and 3) learning that they won't lose what sense of power and worth that they do have by "selling out" or "becoming a Pharisee" — by acquiescing and capitulating, and by losing their "visiting saint" perceptiveness and perspective.
The first outcome comes about via insight-induction, feedback, and guided self-sharing experiences. The second outcome can come from small risk-takings, affirmations, and situation-structuring so that they can share their awarenesses successfully. Also involved in the second outcome is a process of training them to develop "docking devices" that preserve their integrity and identity and destiny without alienating and assassination-activating.
WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE?
They were "sent here" and/or they came here to bring their advanced capabilities, wisdom and information to the world. But they had to learn where the world is at "from the underside of the belly of the dragon's perspective" so as to have a vivid and complete experiential history from which to carry out their mission.
They have done that, and when they recover from the damage and self-defeating programming, they are able to finally manifest their destiny. Their profoundly difficult but extremely informative, enriching, tempering and strengthening experiential history gave them a range and depth of experience that few ever have had, and all of this went into an advanced soul's capabilities.
The result is that they become a very potent leader who is an "above and beyond" visionary direction-setter and outcome-elicitor. They then are able to do/be what they came here to accomplish.
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