They are instantly noticeable, these gorgeous creatures from hell. They are a super-bod or super-stud who is surrounded by admiring and endangered members of the other gender and of their gender who are vulnerable to their wiles. They are a definite "Look but don't touch!" type of situation, as they are masterful "Buzz off, Buster!" and "Who let you in?" seducer-reducers to tears.
They are also "their majesty, the infant", the "enfante terrrible", the "touchy tyrant" who can't tolerate the slightest delay, frustration or disappointment. They are hypersensitive, emotional-commotional and tyrannically demanding. They have never gotten past the first year of life in their emotional development, and they live a life of high drama and stress on their way to an early grave brought about by psycho-physiological breakdowns. They are the redoubtable "Queen of Hearts", renowned for her "Off with their heads!" reaction.
HOW DID THEY GET THIS WAY?
Their parents were desperately dependent and immature, and they were unable to provide the love that was needed. Instead, they imposed heavy demands, invasions and violations on the child. They set up a symbiotic and sexualized "special relationship" with the individual such that the "Queen of Hearts" ended up trading having to live with a severe narcissistic wound and a self-degrading seductive-destructive lifestyle for safety and acceptance, conditional of course upon self-destructive behavior. They also had to accept worth-validation based completely upon being the self-undermining sole support system for the parents.
Everything was saturated with sexual undercurrents and erotic energies, as the parents put them through subtle or not-so-subtle sexual abuse, while at the same time repressing, suppressing and oppressing their own and the child's sexuality. And because this all started during the latter part of the first year of life, they are fixated and developmentally "flatlined" at the so-called "oral-aggressive" stage of emotional development. They are also totally devastated by the lack or loss of the "Golden Orb" or the "God Housekeeping Seal of Approval" from the "God-stand-ins", which is what the parents, particularly the mother, are to them at this stage in development. They develop a "magnificent obsession" on retrieving the "lost orb" (parental and "God" love).
What happened was that when the child came in, the "natural child" state they were in, combined with whatever unique resources they brought with them, tripped off starvation-based desperation dependency reactions in the parents, but especially in the mother during the symbiotic period (0 to 9 months). An extremely deep bonding, reliance and "spousing" reaction set in and permeated the entire symbiotic period in an utterly engulfing manner.
Then the whole process kicked into high gear about the time the individual began to express their will and personhood, around 10 to 15 months of age. They were reacted to by being super-over-indulged and smother-mothered in a clingingly clutching and abandonment-paranoid manner. The mother was afraid of rejection and abandonment if she didn't capitulate to the child's every whim, and if she didn't give the child "special" treatment. There was also a pronounced sexual component to the mother's reaction to the child (either gender).
As a result of her vague unconscious awareness of what the effect of all this was on the child, the mother had a lot of guilt, and part of her over-indulgence was giving and giving in as "atonement" for that. But the result is the child is developmentally flatlined and infantalized, moving into the later stages of life expecting things to continue as they were in infancy. This lays the groundwork for an infantilely imperious imposer pattern that is one part of the future "Queen of Heart's" functioning. Out if this is born the "perennial infant", the "enfante terrible".
The next critical development in the process is when the child reaches the "separation and individuation" period -- 18 to 20 months -- toddlerhood. At this point, the mother is so symbiotically regressed and infantilely dependent upon the child that she goes into an abandonment-paranoia panic with this development. She proceeds to make it crystal clear to the child at the subtle messaging level that if the child doesn't want the mother to throw them out in the trash, they had better not develop their own power and identity. She also makes it clear that if the child conforms with that injunction, she will be REALLY there for the child -- emotionally, sexually and socially.
At about age three, the onset of the Oedipal/Elektra period, the plot thickens considerably. At this point, the father, who has been increasingly involved with his own desperate dependency and erotic projection processes, becomes a key player as well. There are two parameters determining what happens at this point: who each of the parents are and the gender of the child. This makes for four potential scenarios.
One scenario involves a weak and oedipally developmentally arrested father who comes to the girl's elektra period in effect an emotional peer to the child. As a result of this history, he is effectively rather intensely traumatized and intimidated by life, relationships and intimacy. He therefore operates in a self-denigrating, withdrawn, withholding manner, while the mother is the "Queen of the roost", often in coercive manipulation process via being the competent one, by being crazy, by being incompetent, or by alternating between these. The father then really reacts to the "Shirley Temple" Elektra girl, and he generates a "matriarchal monster" model of womanhood in the child's eyes by his characterizations and reactions to the mother. The father and daughter go on to an intensely sexualized but suppressed and largely unconsummated and unspoken "carrot-dangle, carrot-yank" "special relationship" that infuriates the mother.
The second scenario is where the father is authoritarian and patriarchal and the child is an Oedipal boy. In this situation, the mother and son are deeply bonded in a sexualized relationship, but when the child reaches the "darling boy" stage, the mother and the father both react intensely negatively to his Oedipally driven advances and possessiveness with his mother. The boy finds out that Eros (love and sexuality) leads to rejection. His father is cold, powerful and threatening, so the boy identifies with him and cuts off his love reaction to the mother while still keeping the hostile phallic sexual reaction in emulation of his father. He ends up a misogynistic (of or characterized by a hatred of women) "repressed raging rapist" in his attitudes towards women. He then goes into competition with the father and he represses his "weak" (love-based and feminine) characteristics, as he becomes a "super-stud" masculinity-projector, which his father supports and models. This in turn really turns on the mother, and their relationship moves into an unconscious "menage a trois" spousal thing.
The third scenario is where the father is weak and withdrawn, and the son and the mother form a collusive relationship against the father. They also form a super-sexualized but suppressive/repressive exclusive spousal relationship, while at the same time the boy develops deep rejection of his masculinity and therefore of himself in many regards at a deep level. Simultaneously, he becomes "Mommy's little man", and the "special relationship" overindulgence continues, as he becomes extremely "cocky" and relishing of his power position.
And the fourth scenario is where the father is authoritarian and patriarchal. When his "special relationship" daughter hits the Elektra period, she becomes so sexually magnetizing to him that he has a simultaneous rapacious response and a repressive suppressive reaction. It turns into a super-sexualized but unconsummated and unacknowledged spousal relationship in which she is trained to be a seductive "super-bod" who is nevertheless massively sexually repressed. The mother in this scenario is either weak and ineffectual or pseudo-weak but actually behind-the-scenes orchestrating of the whole trip.
Within these general scenarios, other parameters also play a role. For one thing, the "enfante terrible" process is still continuing for this individual, and it interacts with the other scenarios to give them a each different twist. To take one, for instance, the mother is weak and she therefore allows direct expression of aggression, hate and anger, while sexuality is repressed, as a result of which the daughter becomes the "pivotal woman of the house", the father's sexualized but suppressed "favorite". The daughter then becomes highly aggressive, outspoken, competitive and go-getting.
Or suppose the mother "sics" the father onto the child, who then is subjected to training in how to use sexuality as stroke-seeking, revenge, power, and manipulation of men, whom she hates with a purple passion.
This is another scenario. The father seduces, then cuts the girl off. He then colludes with her anger at him and redirects it against the mother. The result is a "Queen of Hearts" woman who is contemptuous of women (and herself) and Elektra dependent upon withholding, withdrawing, carrot-dangling and carrot-yanking men.
Or the mother seduces the boy and then cuts him off, followed by redirecting his anger against the father, colluding with him. She promises but never delivers her love to the boy. The result is that the "Queen of Hearts" boy becomes contemptuous towards men (and himself).
Or an older male sibling takes the place of the fading and withdrawing father, and who then becomes the girl's father figure in a sexualized and withholding sibling relationship.
It is critical to note that throughout all of these patterns and overriding the whole system is a massive awareness-avoidant, accountability-avoidant and responsibility-avoidant repression process going on in which no one in the system is in touch with what is really happening at any point along the way. They are a "Leave it to Beaver" super-normal appearing family usually, and they are past masters at not knowing what their left hand is doing. Everything has to "look good", and an unconscious conspiracy of silence permeates the household. They are highly determined and skillful at convincing themselves and everyone else that "everything's fine", and they are expert impression-managers. But the fact of the matter is that it is a classically repression-dominated household in which no one is the wiser as to what is real in their situation.
To summarize this complicated developmental history, the formation of a "Queen of Hearts" involves repression-dominated infantilely dependent parents who form a symbiotic and suppressedly sexually saturated relationship with their child. They then infantilize the individual out of fear of rejection from the child and out of guilt. They then panic when the child hits toddlerhood and they introduce abandonment-annihilation threats to the stew. Then the child hits the Oedipal/Elektra period and the sexualization process goes into high gear.
In all of this, love has either never entered the picture or it is lost in the shuffle, and the child is profoundly narcissistically wounded, abandonment-anxiety-imprinted, awareness-obliterated, sexualized, sexploitated, sexually suppressed, and pseudo-spoused, with the result that they move out of the Oedipal/Elektra period as a massively infantilely imperious and simultaneously seductive-destructive interpersonal system, with a roiling subterranean earthquake set of emotional dynamics around self-worth, around their reactions to their own and the other gender, and around trying to retrieve or achieve the "Golden Orb" of parental love.
WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?
Bottom line, the "Queen of Hearts" is operating out of a deeply repressed resignation-despair. Their basic feeling is that things are never going to be as they should be. They want desperately for things to work out the way they should, but they feel fundamentally powerless to make things turn out that way. They just expect things to go from bad to worse, involving unexpected losses, evils and pain, ultimately leading to death. And indeed, "Queen of Hearts" do age fast because their resignation resentment damages the liver (the live-er).
They are intensely pessimistic and nihilistic at heart, they feel that nothing is ever good enough to compensate for their great loss and continued pain, and they operate out of a generalized disgust orientation. They can't stand joy because it activates too much impossible dreaming, and it makes for a "salt in the wound" effect. They are also super-afraid to express love for fear that they'll be catastrophically rejected and sexploited again -- perhaps fatally this time (reflecting their broken heart).
They are profoundly worthless-feeling due to the almost complete lack of concern, comprehension and commitment they experienced in their childhood. They end up feeling it's all their fault, due to the earliness of onset, and they are chronically guilty and success-avoidant. Or they "get bored" with success and move on and start a new undertaking that could lead to success that then leads to their abandoning the project that leads to another start, and so on. Their reaction to success is, "It weren't nothing (. . . because I did it, because the likes of me could do it)". In reality, they are fundamentally dedicated to failure, misery and self-destruction, out of the basic belief that it is all they deserve.
They had angry infants for parents, and they are hopelessly and helplessly hooked on the angrily unpleasable and/or massively sexploitive infant parents. They are extremely vulnerable, narcissistically wounded, abandonment-paranoid and orally fixated. They can't separate from their mother, and they cling to delusion and denial to prevent crying themselves to death. They are totally fixated on getting their "God figures" back, in a "life or death" psychology. They can't connect to anyone really because they are totally entrapped in the "lost Orb" relationship(s). They are forever developmentally arrested at the "infantile omnipotence" level, and they dare not let go of the "lifeline" pursuit.
"Queen of Hearts" people are visually creative and right hemisphere dominated, because their cognitive development was aborted or distorted at around 18 months. As a result, they see but they don't know, and they feel but they don't think, and they can't really carry through on anything. They are emotional-commotional and feeling-fixated, and they are almost totally internally determined and dominated by their interpretations, experiences and emotions, much like the young infant they are.
They feel utterly helpless to protect themselves, at base. They have a real fear of endangering their bodies, and they feel deeply intimidated by life's requirements and by the world at large. Their goal is to gain the care and protection of others. They bluster-bluff self-sufficiency and fierce independence, but they are in fact super-dependent. They also pretend invulnerability, invincibility and intensity of intention, but they are actually highly vulnerability-anxious and helpless-feeling underneath. They can't live beyond the end of their nose, and they are lost in resentfully revengeful imperious demanding and willfulness. They feel that it is their right, given that they are just a baby, after all.
Like the emotional infant that they are, they are extremely self-centered and basically naive, the front of sophistication notwithstanding. They feel totally impotent due to the "dance-away parent", "carrot-yank parenting" and massively narcissistically sexploitative experience they underwent. They are helpless-feeling infants who are very demanding of affection and support, and they are highly indirectly manipulative to get it.
They are intensely visible and uninhibited socially, but they are superficial and very immature. They are also studiedly oblivious and blisteringly blaming and accountability-avoidant. They have a desperate need to be liked, and this tends to very effectively hide their underlying intense dependency and hostility. They are ferociously resistive to insight and intervention, reacting with furious accusations and attacks that make the would-be helper sorry they ever even thought of trying.
They want to be independent and to have their own selfhood, but they are trapped in a resentful umbilical dependency on others to meet their needs. They can't self-sustain or self-entertain, and they have to be involved with people all of the time. The "enfante terrible" pattern comes from the desperate feeling that the world has to make them the center of everything or they will die (as they fundamentally fear and believe they should). They are obsessed with omnipotence, but they are totally disgusted and dissatisfied when they experience any indication that they could actually pull it off.
Their real needs were never met, and they have therefore ended up permanently malcontented, dissatisfied and unsatisfiable. They are developmentally arrested at the oral-aggressive stage of infancy, so their demandingness is rageful and rejecting. Yet they feel totally helpless and worthless if they don't have total control and domination of the situation. They go into a near-psychotic panic if they feel themselves slipping out of the driver's seat of everything they encounter. It's a panic reaction around "losing the Golden Orb -- again!" experience.
While they retain the spontaneity, zest and immediate enthusiasm of an infant that gives them tremendous appeal, they also retain the instant rage, petulance and pouting tyranicalness of the infant. It gives them the capacity to control and hurt with impunity and total obliviousness to their environmental impact. Their subjective experience is that total control and instant gratification is the only thing that matters to them, and NOTHING else enters their decision calculus.
In effect, they can't be pleased, and they put out impossible demands constantly. They are quite vengeful in reaction to any denial or frustration of their imperious imperatives. They learned this process by coercively overwhelming their dependent infant parents with barrages of assertion, aggression, and later, argument that would get blood out of a stone -- and it worked often enough to firmly implant the system into their functioning. When they get "dethroned", it sets off the most unbelievable rage reactions.
"Off with their heads!" is the sum and substance of their reaction and orientation much of the time. It is a compulsive unpleasableness reaction that developed out of the dynamic that if they were pleased by one parent, the other parent attacked virulently out of intense jealousy, so that annihilation became the consequence of satisfaction. They were treated as "super-special", and they always want that reinstated, and they do all they can do so, but always with this underlying dynamic of satisfaction-avoidance out of annihilation-anxiety.
There is a massive worth-paranoia at the base of their imperious demandingness, and there is always lurking just under the surface a lethal self-hatred which is only relieved (briefly) by total "whim of iron" capitulations by the world. They are utterly insatiable and unsatisfiable as a result of all this, and they end up angry and alone a lot. "Off with their heads!" is a last-ditch desperation move to stave off their profound vulnerability to abandonment-annihilation, which they are paradoxically forever faced with.
Their feeling is that annihilation is imminent if they don't have total control of every situation, a reflection of the early infant onset of this script. They are desperate for a "center of the universe" infantile omnipotence experience, and they are totally dedicated to the "Win it all back!" effort. Yet nothing is really the "Golden Orb", which leads to growing disgust, disdain and despair. So they brook no interference, and they are intensely willful ("We are NOT amused!).
There is also a great deal of "I don't need you!" reaction-formation and bend over backwards vulnerability-avoidant rejection-prevention by defensive aggressive and "rejecting first" behaviors. They are super-love-avoidant out of fear of repetitions of the original rejection, and they take a deeply resentful revenge stance. They are pervasively proud and arrogant, and you can do no right in their eyes.
They lovelessly devote all their energy to the world of work and productivity, and they have an inordinate need to perform and produce -- to "prove themselves". They are very energetically attractive and productive, but they are totally narcissistic. They withhold constantly in what looks like a refusal to express their feelings in intimate relationships, but it is really insensitivity created by their desperate defense against being affected by another soul.
Any form of joy or commitment coming their way only leads to rage reactions, out of the painful reminders of their parenting pattern experience and out of "You'll only yank the carrot and sexploit me again!" expectations. They are intensely sexual and sexy, but they are incapable of genuine loving, because they have never experienced it in the first place. They therefore can't get close to anyone or let love in at all. And to wrap the whole thing up, they are clutchingly dependent and abandonment-anxious, yet they are simultaneously engulfment-avoidant (lest the parent-substitute do what the originals did). So they feel helpless, incapable of coping and self-hatingly self-defeating and self-destructive.
Because of the totally permeating and penetrating sexual invasiveness of the parenting they received, they are extremely erotically oriented. They are "super-bod" and "super-stud" "rapo"-players (rapo: see footnote) and "crotch-notching Lotharios" (A man who seduces women) who are intensely sexual, sexually skilled and sexy, but nothing and no one ever measures up to the original sexploitatively neglectful and rejecting "Golden Orbs". They both long for and are rejected by the super-repressing sexploiting significant parent, and they hate the parent for the rejection and abuse. But then they develop guilt for the hatred and for the competition with the other parent to "take away" the "spousing" parent and the desire to kill the other parent. They in effect hate both parents, and their hostility, aggression and demanding result.
They are love-starved, sad and lonely, to which they react with a bending over backwards defensive aggressiveness. They were rejected by the other parent for their erotic response to the "spousing" parent's intensely repressed and suppressed seduction. They took that to be a total rejection of who and what they are by "God", and their self-esteem was profoundly shattered. Their response to all this was to cut sex off from love, and they become hyper-seductive, rageful and unloving. They can't feel or express love, tenderness, softness or vulnerability. Instead they put out rage, hatred and contempt much of the time.
In effect, their history has turned them into a sex machine, because they lost or never got the love of their super-seductive parents. By taking up on their parents' bidding, they are desperately trying to regain their selfhood by repetition-compulsively rejecting the seducing parent. They have a humongous hatred of the sexualizing parent(s) for the sexploitation and annihilation-threat induced self-destruction scripting. So they have ended up sexually repressed and aggressively seductive and rage-expressive due to the sexploitative love-loss and the allowance of aggression they underwent.
They are actually rather disgusted by sexuality because it is so loaded with self-loathing and sexploitation-resentment. They play "Rapo" and "Lothario" a whole lot as a result, oftentimes totally unconscious of their sexual come-ons (seduce-entice by the female, challenge-entice by the male). They then attack violently those who make the mistake of "biting the bait". The reality is that there is no way in God's green Earth that anyone is ever going to get a positive response from them for any kind of sexual reaction to them -- it's just too much like home, which is where the hurt is.
The female "Queen of Hearts" develops big hips and simultaneously shielded genitals (she was told that only her vagina was what was wanted). She is soft, seductive and promising on the surface, but she is hard, competitive and demanding underneath. She felt her mother was weak, ineffectual and absent. So the "Queen of Hearts" girl does a pseudo-identification with her father, and she becomes intellectually charged, active and creative. She develops a "hyperactive vagina", but with a very poor capacity for sexual enjoyment or orgasm. She has a paranoid attitude arising from the early rejection ("God is out to get me!"), and she is headstrong, willful and environmentally impactful.
They tend to develop a beautiful, strong face, bright eyes, and well-proportioned and attractive features and body. In short, they form a brightness and handsomeness that leads to social success substitutes for sexual and intimacy success. She is sexually hooked on her father and she hates her mother (and herself). She will not own responsibility for her feelings due to their intensity. She is in fact out of contact with her feelings. She aggresses against the world, and she has to create her own reality. And any invalidation of that reality activates total paranoia on her part.
She can't be receptive at all, and she must impose her will and get results. Yet she needs constant nurturance, validation, and appreciation. She is a super-sophisticated and verbal mind-fucker and reality-obfiscator who has to be right, to perform, and to have all her needs met without asking -- and they had better damned well match criterion or your head rolls. She can't see anyone else's reality, and she data-twists and throws "boulders of truth" (in which an undeniable reality is "rider-billed" with her delusions in a supremely convincing manner). She also utilizes a great many "clinchers" -- gut-grabbing truths, images, metaphors and contextualized, brilliantly timed "coup de grace" statements. She is super-aggressive in maintaining her view of reality, and she has to be in continuous and total control at all times.
Yet she has an underlying ability to be clear, loving, full of feelings, warm-hearted, courageous, brilliant, energetic, facile of expression, perceptively astute, and deeply understanding at times. She is capable of being honest, straightforward, reliable, able to gain energy from fun and pleasure, and fascinatingly delightful and creative as a function of her vulnerable infant developmental arrest. But you play hell ever trying to get it to come out. What you get instead is "tantalizing tarantula" seductive-destructiveness and "steamroller tactic" control trips in service of "her majesty, the infant".
Male "Queen of Hearts" are hypersexual in a "raging rapist" and misogynistically destructive manner. His father modeled and supported aggressiveness and patriarchal attitudes and approaches, leading him to expect a "hymn to him" treatment from the world and from women in particular. The father was a stiff disciplinarian, but there was an underlying "chip off the old block" appreciation for the individual, even though they fought over the mother and the boy won (ostensibly, but she is capable of no love). But in the context of the sexploitative and reality-repressing household, the "Queen of Hearts" male ends up fantasizing himself to be horrendously destructively powerful, especially over women. He suppresses his love totally, and he ends up overtly hating men and covertly hating women for cutting off his capacity to give and love and be joyful.
In his growing up process, he hit the "Eros leads to rejection" thing, and like his female counterpart, he cut off love instead of his penis. He develops an intensely love-avoidant homophobia, and he hones to an extremely high degree of effectiveness his challengingly attractive quality and approach. He struts his masculinity in the most stylized and biological manner, yet he is a sadistic prick looking for vengeance in his rabid hatred of women.
Yet woman flock to him and scare him, and as a result, he becomes more and more narcissistic, sexploitative and misogynous as he seduces and serves them sexually in the "stud" image. He is trying to outdo his father and win his mother back (he assumes his sexuality wasn't "good" enough). He is into a really virile male trip, yet he prematures, holds out, and doubts himself sexually. He is totally down on the feminine, he is judgmental and contemptuous, and he hates passivity and receptivity. He keeps people totally at arm's length, and he is the "lone stranger riding off into the sunset" -- after having raped and pillaged everyone in sight.
To summarize, what we have here is a 3 to 4 year old "Shirley Temple"/"Little Lord Fauntleroy" seductive-destructive tyrannical preschooler. They are a supersexual siren or stud operating out of the "flirt-mind", which is not an alert mind. They have a "penis fly trap" or "penis-radar" trip going that destroys their capacity for true self-determination due to the "Lorelei effect" (Lorelei: a siren of Germanic legend whose singing lures Rhine River boatmen to destruction on a reef ) dominating their life. They are an unpleasable infant and "attract-disembowel" specialist whose experience is enticement-excitement, triumphant tantalizing, and devastating rejecting. They are a semi-psychotic erotic infant who can symbolically somaticize (manifest emotions as physical ailments) spectacularly. In more traditional terms, they are a narcissistic, borderline, hysteric who is capable of accountability-avoiding and responsibility-avoiding conversion symptoms.
HOW DO THEY FUNCTION?
The "marker cues" for a "Queen of Hearts" are a super-seductive projection that covers an underlying tyrannical infant behavior pattern. Their primary modus operandi consists of pride, anger, rejecting, perfectionism, control and taking. They are enormously arrogant and contemptful towards other people, which is really a defense against becoming vulnerable and a compensation for their own underlying profound worthlessness feelings. Many of their interpersonal moves are of the "You know what's wrong with you? . . ." and the "There you go again!" variety.
Their rage and hatred are "reject first" and "salt in the wound"-deflections around the impact of love coming towards them. They just can't handle it, so they see to it that it never comes anywhere near them. Their perfectionism and compulsive performance is a defense against their profound low self-esteem that was created by the original sexploitative rejection. Their control, dominance and distrust are a reaction-formation against their underlying profound sense of helplessness. And their taking, demanding and withholding are processes designed to prevent their being vulnerable or in the position of having to give like they did to their parents.
The most predominant aspect of their functioning is its infantile immaturity. They are impatient, intrusive, defensively angry, lacking in compassion, self-immersed, instant results-needing, endlessly energetic, aggressive and asexually seductive. They are unable to express love or to make real contact (though they are very good at making pseudo-contact). They are withholding, deviantly self-justifying, hard, harsh, holding back, emotionally shut down, and brilliantly defensive.
They are imperious, inconsiderate, and unilateral in their functioning. They impose infantile logic and thinking/reactions on everything with brilliant mind-warping and wrong-making via abusive truth-usage and "boulders of truth" (where they drop a "big truth" on you and then they add their accusations into your veracity reaction to it). They also continuously assume and impugn irrefutably, and they act, attack and accuse/abuse from it. They have a pattern of continuously accusing of incorrectness, incompleteness, incompetence and immorality. They tend to be a constant critic who can never be satisfied.
The "Queen of Hearts" does a brilliant re-frame thing where everything anyone (but especially their intimate) does is interpreted in rageful motivational-attributional terms in a process-based accusational/attacking manner that continuously criticizes and perpetually wrong-makes to a mind-warpingly and overwhelmingly undefendable and reality-destroying degree. Then the resulting reactions are used as validations, justifications and characterizations in an unending attack from an impregnable fortress of righteous rage, "twistoflex reasoning" and "clincher-proof" strategy blow-aways that leave no recourse.
They are chronically disgusted and anger-filled, and they don't give up a grudge. They are hopelessly infantilely outraged and vengeful. At the same time, in their desperation for the God-connection, they are forever idolizing and hero-izing in a frantic attempt to get back what they feel they have lost. But this only results in massive betrayal-rage when the "clay feet humanness" of the "object of their projections" are encountered. Frequently, they then have a deep unconscious reaction of "God (mother) is right -- I AM a terminal monster!" in response to all of this, as they overview their life.
At the same time, they are desperately longing, super-vulnerable to rejection and disappointment, and rageful as a defense against hurt, love, longing, soft feelings and need. They are often deeply dysphoric (an emotional state characterized by anxiety, depression, and restlessness) in reaction to situations, and they are given to suicidal gestures. And the more severe ones often "bridge-burn" everything down the tubes to the "bottom out" situation, at which point they have to make their decision as to whether to stay or leave. Those who choose to leave usually do so in the form of a "dissipation blues man/mama" pseudo-hedonistic self-destructive spiral.
They are typically anti-intellectual and rationality-rejecting, with a strong creative streak and a highly imaginative approach to things. They are quite impressionable and easily influenced, despite their often projected air of intense sophistication. They are basically suggestible and over-trusting in their fundamental nature because they never got past infancy in their emotional development. They have a pronounced tendency to authority-deference out of their parent-fixation and parent-starvation, and out of a "magical dependency" reaction to such "God-figures".
They play hunches for most of their life decisions, and they adopt convictions readily, like children do. They are very prone to somatic complaints, psycho-physiological disorders, and conversion symptoms (which are symbolic representations of what is bothering them at the moment). They experience a lot of "depersonalization" -- the feeling of not really being here or in their body or caring about anything. They have stormy and ungratifying interpersonal relation-ships. They have delusions of omnipotence, they live in the fast lane, and they don't experience anything from the cosmic realm.
They are super-jealous of their "space" and "freedom", and they are "prison-avoiding" in the sense that obligations, regulations and routines drive them up the wall. They can only work in situations where sporadic involvement, self-scheduling and self-manifestation are allowed, such as real estate, writing and investments. They have an extremely unpleasant way of being utterly capricious and irrationally, unreasonably unpredictable, and they are given to wild mood swings with great assaultive irritability.
They have a huge "prima donna" ego, and you have to handle them with kid gloves lest you unleash the furies of hell. They make a big thing of how they look, and about their impact, presence and "specialness" of the royal variety. Image, impact and imperialness describe this aspect of them quite well. They become obsessed with gaining "respect". Their experience is that they somehow lost it once, and it is desperately imperative to get it back. Yet their imperious and impetuous ways drive it away consistently, with the result that it becomes a magnificent obsession and a never-succeeding quest. They become fanatic in their demands and intrusions on those who withhold or withdraw in a pattern that often degenerates into a viscous downward spiral of often tragic proportions.
"Queen of Hearts" people expect special treatment and privileges -- and they often get them, either by charm or by cunning or by coercion. They become incensed when such treatment is not forthcoming or when they can't control every aspect of the situation and they can't have every whim met. If they can't control, they will find a way to leave the situation in disgust, hopefully leaving you feeling like a fool or moral monster. They are in effect spoiled incompetent care coercers who will go to any extreme to get their way. They have few scruples or ethics as they do so, due to the infantile nature of their motivational and functional system -- it's too far ahead of where they are to be concerned with ecological and cosmic matters.
"Queen of Hearts" are like ruthless royalty -- they brook no interference or deviations from their detailed expectations, they will allow no uninvited inputs, they control from without, and they totally castrate and disempower those around them. In effect, they are nothing but a parade of empty passing whims like the infant they are, and basically "nobody's home". They are intensely narcissistic, selfish, self-immersed and nastily demanding in their interpersonal interface.
They will settle for nothing less than total command. They are chronically sulky and annoyed, and they tune out reality restrictions via their skill in repression. Only their will and whim counts as far as they are concerned. They dictate the entire lifestyle and environmental process of everyone and everywhere they go. They insist and coercely extort until they get what they are demanding. They give nothing and take all they can extract in a "fuck 'em and eat 'em!" attitude. They are utterly unconcerned with environmental impact, and they suck people dry. If you cross them, you're crossed off their list of relevant (usable/abusable) people.
They are absolute control-maniacs, and they are obsessed with getting and maintaining complete control. They will go to almost any extremes to get it. Yet when they do get control, they get disgusted, disdainful and despairing about this "turkey turd" who allowed them to do so. They are into power games that never stop, and they can't relax or enjoy. They are always playing psychological chess, doing things like misusing the concept of self-commitment for abusive coercion. They are tyrannical controller-batterers, and they are infantilely rageful and out of touch with reality. They are hugely rage-fully exploitative and vengeful. They need a constant rage-run off process to prevent it from building up too high, and they are activity-addicts -- always on the angry move.
They are manipulative, histrionic, dramatic, and superficially appealing, but they are totally inconsiderate and indirectly coercive due to their felt helplessness and dependency. They are constantly demanding reassurance in one form or another. Yet at the same time, utterly inconsistent, and misleading behaviors abound. They are past masters of the use of "clinchers" -- brilliantly presented "gut-grabbers" that are utterly convincing of their interpretation and intention in the situation, but they are completely lost in the desires of the moment and it all amounts to a tempest in a teapot.
"Touchy tyrants" are void-avoiders and "shadow"-projecting, seeing and attacking in others what is most unsavory about themselves. They elicit the "shadow" emotions in others with emotional commotional "balloon rackets" where they repress/suppress/oppress some emotions (like love) and inflate others (like rage). Then they attack the person on the grounds that the person's elicited emotional response is "hurting" them. They then relax and get a gloat-grin out of the power they have in the situation, along with the enormous amount of "importance-validating and worth-validating" attention and control they have garnered.
They hate other "Queen of Hearts" who are successful in their own coercive-manipulative way. It is like a flung gauntlet and a pie in the face, along with salt in the wound and a grim mirror. They can't stand them, and they go into a super-competitive trip that can escalate to serious, severe and remarkably stupid proportions, something like the old "Laurel and Hardy" movie where a house owner destroys their car and they destroy his house in a "tit-for-tat" exchange that knows no limits.
They are intensely hypersensitive to putdowns, but they themselves run all over other people's feelings and rights. They try to bludgeon respect, and " . . . or ELSE!" is a favorite phrase of theirs. They can never be satisfied. If something does turn them on, it isn't long before it loses its appeal, because for them, all goodies are sad substitutes for the lost "Golden Orb". They are sanctimonious over-inflated self-important withholders of affections -- and it works! It taps into other people's own deep wounds from rejecting parents. They are masterful at "carrot-dangle", "carrot-yank", "rug-yank" and "trap door spring" tactics. They are also superb disapproval-artists and disdain-dispensers. They hook you and then control you coercively.
Feedback to a "Queen of Hearts" is impossible. They are totally paranoid about their self-worth and self-importance, and they are completely egocentric and unable to empathize. They are unwilling to even try. Their survival and right to live depend on their being the "Queen of Hearts". They go berserk and even insane when the environment tries to bring them into reality contact on any of their processes and impacts. While it is true that they only have as much power as people give them, it is also true that they are emotional infants who know no ethical or practical restraints around their intense emotional reactions and intentions.
The other major characteristic other than infantilism that the "Queen of Hearts" displays is "neon lights on the marquee" sexuality and seductiveness. They were incredibly sexualized, and they have reacted with enormous rage, shut down and lash-back punishment against their sexual targets as stand-ins for their parent(s). Super-seductiveness is the earmark of the social impact of the "Queen of Hearts". They seek to be and be seen as "Ken and Barbie" sex objects so they can sexually smash the unwary responders.
They are seductive as hell but they are totally sexually hung up in a "My heart belongs to Daddy/Mommy" manner. They have to conquer people in the "crotch-notching" sense, but then they instantly lose interest and "turkey-turd" the person as they throw them aside in disgust. They make the other person feel that they are the one who is responsible for the turn off and rejection.
"Queen of Hearts" people often appear lovely or virile to non-intimates. They go to great lengths to be attractive by means of "sex-trode" accoutrements (such as the "laser wrap" dress style or the "dressed to kill" "man about town" power-projection and simultaneous "wolf on the loose" look). They are extremely effective at being enticing and impressive. However, it is all gift-wrap around garbage.
The female "Queen of Hearts" is particularly into the process of seeking approval and impact with other people, due to the role the female has played in the paranoid patriarchy. They do the hyper-seductive thing as a direct competition with their "mother" to win their withholding "father" or their same gender father-stand-in. They are intelligent, successful, and beautiful, but they are also power-manipulative and seductive-destructive.
The hysterical version of the "Queen of Hearts" is totally unaware of their seductiveness due to their repression. They chose love and repressed sexuality in the original formative process, and they don't understand people's sexual response when they want platonic love or respect or power. They are waiting for Daddy, and they are heartless because their heart belongs to Daddy. They have become more and more turned off sexually, and they are cold and unresponsive. They hate men, a fact they deny vehemently and protest too much about constantly.
To the "Queen of Hearts", sweet revenge is the substitute for love, and they go to considerable lengths to get it. They are utterly ruthless as they go after whatever they have set out to get, accomplish or precipitate. They can't stand to admit defeat and they must hold all the cards in a bending over backwards self-aggrandizement, and they constantly invalidate, demean and belittle others. They are quick-witted, "heady", sharp and capable. They are super-seductive but asexual competitors and hyper-achievers for the glory of it.
As might be expected, relationships are an absolute disaster area with the "Queen of Hearts". They feel that since there wasn't enough care and love as an infant, they have a right to "Mr/Ms Perfect", the "Prince Charming" or "Fairy God Mother" who will take care of them for the rest of their life. They spend their life looking for this perfect person in a sad search for the impossible. They then get super-angry when real people let them down, and they get intensely abusive to their former "Golden Orb" figure. In general, they come across as super-attractive until they define the situation as an "intimate relationship". At that point, the infantile omnipotence, center-of-the universe, demanding-the-impossible, and "you can do no right" process sets in.
They are super-paranoid about exploitation and sexploitation, and they get really hyper-vigilant to those who come close to fulfilling their "perfect person" image role. They turn on their most intense fury, bridge-burning and punishment-disapproval towards such a person. They do a "heresy-burning at the stake" response along the lines of "Don't replace Me with idols!" (experiencing the "wrath of God" from their parent in the head) and "You've stolen me!" reactions.
On the other hand, if they let their symbiotic dependency occur, they get lost in non-selfhood and engulfment, and they can't fend for or defend themselves. They therefore protect themselves from ensnarement, and they punish the "parent figure" by being angrily unpleasable. "You won't/don't follow through, you bitch/bastard!", etc. They also become intensely intolerant of any shortfalls and failings in the other person, and they react with enraged take-over and disgust/despair "Off with their heads!" responses.
"Queen of Hearts" are masterful at pulling admiring people to their sides, and then making them feel like fools and moral cretins if they don't meet their every whim or fail to fit their perfect person model. If the other person stands up for himself or herself, it generates massive "Catch-22" responses from the "Queen of Hearts", to the point where the person has no idea what is real after a while. They keep the person hooked with alternating rage-rejection and carrot-dangles. They drive them away on the grounds of their shortcomings, and then they entice them back because they need/want them. The trouble is that they have to have a lackey or woman-servant for their ego and survival. But they can't stand to have one around at the same time. It's a no-win situation all the way around.
As for the "Queen of Hearts" nemesis or "fatal attraction" figure, it is a matter of re-runs of the original cast, as usual. Only with that original cast, the situation takes some pretty terrible turns. For instance, the female "Queen of Hearts" was told that her vagina was more important than she was, yet it was also the "dirtiest" part of her. It was considered a separate entity, so she responds the same way. She comes to the conclusion that men only want sex, and at the same time, she is attracted to "vaginal" men -- good-looking, socially successful and deviously destructive -- like her vagina -- with the inevitable results. Or she attracts a re-run of the over-responsible, weak or serve-aholic mother and then she goes into her "mother-hatred" routine. Male "Queen of Hearts" either go for female equivalents of themselves or they abuse to the death a rescuing or self-hating woman.
And so life goes for the "infant-adult" and "super-sex object" person. Life is usually a slow descent into Hell, while living in Hell all the way down. Needless to say, the "Queen of Hearts" lot is not a happy one.
HOW CAN THEY BE HELPED?
Intervention with a "Queen of Hearts" requires effective control of the environment and their behavior to prevent their coercive control thing from getting out of hand. It can be done in a group or live-in setting or with a deeply involving long-term relationship therapy figure who is prepared to take the rages and total demands of the starving infant for a fairly extended period of time.
Meanwhile, continuous feedback and commitment, coupled with training in self-worth, self-responsibility skills, and self-respect while not being "special" are going on. They have to learn that their quality of life and survival and worth are NOT contingent upon being "special" and in continuous total control. It usually involves a kind of "weaning" process in which they are allowed some "special" treatment for a while, and then they get to have more and more personal power and contribution experiences as this "special" treatment is phased out.
There also has to be sexual abuse treatment to deal with the overt and/or subtle sexploitative process and its dreadful aftermath. The basic need beyond that is the integration of their genitals and their heart, for they are unable to love. They have to learn that they don't have to have either a fucker or a Fairy God Mother as their intimates, and that they can make it on their own and have true intimacy as well. They need a "change history" experience in the realm of intimacy, self-worth and love-ability, so as to be able to let love in and to release their resentment-rage. Bottom line, they need to develop their sense of self-worth.
The role of the therapist in all this is to take that of the firm but loving parent who will "brick wall" them to prevent their catastrophic coercive control, their seductive-destructive, and their other self-destructive and other-destructive patterns. At the same time, the therapist must meet their true needs while providing continuous reality-rub ins, in the form of insight-induction regarding the way it was, or via repeated contacts with the parents by the individual, accompanied by debriefings about what actually took place.
The purpose is to bring them to the point where they can emotionally own the lack of love from the parents as not being their own fault. They are then trained in ways of generating and experiencing self-worth, self-respect and self-appreciation while they are not being given "special" treatment and while they are not being super-sexual or totally controlling. They need self-love induction via severing the "tie that grinds" to the parents (living or dead or in the head).
Finally, they need assistance in learning how to fuse love, joy and sexuality in their lives via repeated debriefings of events in terms of their rejection-paranoia and self-worth issues, and giving them answers, feedback, wisdom, information and guidance in a mentoring pattern.
WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE?
They were developmentally arrested in the infancy period, and the "gift in the garbage" in that is that when they surmount the "great wall" and "grow up", they bring the total trust, love, openness, commitment and creativity of the infant with them. This allows them to be remarkably caring and devoted in a spousal manner to their intimates, their destiny manifestation, and the cosmos. They become a self-respecting commitment and contribution manifester par excellence.
The set up: a couple meet and have a good time together. He tries to impress her; she flirts.
The ulterior motive: after a fun evening, he asks to take her home or to stay the night and she responds, "You creep! What do you think I am? I'm no slut! You are just like all men; all you think about is sex." Or... he tells her he is in love with her and she sleeps with him, then he dumps her thinking, "Wow, are women dumb! They will believe anything you tell them."
The pay offs: to put down the opposite sex, to have an ego trip proving one's attractiveness, to justify one's anger towards the opposite sex, to avoid sex and/or an intimate, long-term relationship, to project dirty, crude sex to males or desperate needs for love to females, to confirm that I'm OK but you're not OK.
More information: email: Narayan-Singh@dbs2000ad.com
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Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)