We are being inundated with a group of charming, conning, conniving cop-out artists who are dedicated to the notion that they won't grow up. These are the "Perennial Children", the "Peter Pans" and "Peter Panellas" of the world. It is a "transition culture" phenomenon leading us from the authoritarian paranoid patriarchy into the community-committed caring process. We had to go through the "bend over backwards" opposite of the "Old World" before we could move on to the "New World". And these childish "have your cake and eat it too" -- "Go for it!" types were the out-route.
But while they were a refreshing change from the "bad old ways", they are a poor model for tomorrow. They are master manipulators and "You're so vain!" is their theme song. They either play, demand parenting, or pout-- nothing else. They are ambulatory abalones who are totally engulfing and pit bull determined to have their free ride. They work it so that you have to devote all your resources and time to them. They want nothing else and they are masterful at getting it. Cut them off at one spigot and they instantly zip-zap to another.
They are massively passive-receptive, passive-reactive, passive-resistive and passive-aggressive. They can't conceive of any initiative-taking or responsibility-taking if there isn't any immediate payoff involved. They have to have constant goodies, and they operate like a continuously gaping maw. They won't give any handles with which to work with them and their effects on the environment. If they find out that they can do something well, they avoid it unless it's always fun for them to do. Responsibility is anathema to them.
They have a "hand full of gimme" and a "mouth full of not good enough". They are so subtly demeaningly demanding and indirectly implicationing that that they have the effect of undermining your self-respect as they prevent escape from their grip via manipulating your self-respect. They hook with their potentials, with threats of their demise if you don't comply with their demands, and with various forms of care-coercing. They are brilliant bullshit manipulation-masters, problem-presenters and solution-preventers.
Their basic approach to the world is, "Take care of me!", and they turn everyone into parent figures. They then need feedback all the time from these "parents" like a toddler learning the ropes of coping. People are accepted as arbitrary "magical mystery tour" givens they don't care to understand. They need from other people continuously, and yet there is no cohesiveness with others, no connectors. People are interchangeable spigots to them.
They are developmentally arrested, often early in childhood, and they are survival-dependent on the world around them. They have porous ego boundaries, they are totally immediacy-bound, they have poor frustration-tolerance, they are intensely impulsive, they utilize primitive defenses such as denial and splitting, and they are abjectly object-dependent. They are intimacy-avoidant, parasitically karma-generating, alienating, and ultimately self-defeating. They are likely to come to middle age and find that they haven't amounted to or contributed a thing, and their underlying self-hatred can then lead to self-destruction.
HOW DID THEY GET THIS WAY?
Basically, the pattern is induced by not being required to develop their coping capabilities and responsibility resources. They are under-required and over-indulged, or they are allowed to manipulate and con their way through their childhood. The resultant is that they become utterly enslaved to the hedonic value of their experiences --"If it feels good, do it! If it doesn't feel good, don't do it!" -- and they never learn how to contribute or care for themselves.
This can happen in a number of different ways and circumstances. But the common element in the parenting process is the functional sabotaging the child's effectiveness for handling life on their own hook. They systematically program the individual to never grow up via competence-undermining and confidence-undermining. They also do things like hooking the individual's "privileges" and "freedom" to the cost of never developing their ability to cope, with a resulting generalized dread of the world. In effect, the "perennial child" ends up trading their self-commitment, success and self-respect for freedom from responsibility and a hedonistic but empty lifestyle.
Perhaps the most common situation where this happens is the "parental abdication syndrome". Here the parent is symbiotically dependent on the child. The result is the parent, mother particularly, can't say "no" to the child out of abandonment-anxiety. When the child starts to develop their identity and capabilities as the separation/individuation period commences (around 18 months), she freaks and seeks to get the child to "hang around the household" permanently by "buying them off".
They treat the child as charming and extremely valued due to their inability to be intimate with adult peers. They invest too much in the child, giving them "specialness" treatment and often seducing them as well. The parent(s) live through the child in a "vicarious life" pattern. They feel like a fake grown up play-acting parenting. As a result, they over-indulge the child, who then becomes incapable of self-care. The message becomes, in effect, "You can perennially play, get goodies and be childish, but don't you dare grow up!" They also hook the threat of abandonment-annihilation onto the child, along the lines of, "If you try to grow up, I'll kill you! (by abandoning you)". This results in the child's developing the feeling that "I'd die if you don't take care of me -- or if I took care of myself!".
The opposite situation can also occur. In this scenario, the child is subjected to "convenience-parenting". The parents give them gifts and money, they don't bother to require and train self-responsibility, they over-protect and interference-run because it is less hassle, etc. They may arrange the environment so that everything is externally cued and operated so there is no need to think, self-regulate and be self-responsible. They may also "toy-ify" the child in a narcissistic/hedonistic manner that is non-involved, and then they "Pontius Pilate" the resulting pathological problem child.
In this case, the "spoiling" is actually subtle rejection and hateful resentment of the child. They don't "care enough to give the very worst" in a "give them enough rope to hang themselves" parenting pattern. It is a slyly sadistic, selfish and sexploitative process. It cripples the child by making effort, self-guidance, delay of reward and non-pleasantness intolerable to them, with the result that they avoid all such experiences -- and all capabilities and contributions.
Another version of this is the "consistently inconsistent" parenting process where they have a non-contingent relationship with the child -- it is sort of a random process between them. There is no love or disapproval contingent upon anything. They are too self-involved to be concerned with what the child's experiences or needs are, and they are in effect neglectful. The result is a kind of "de-cerebrated" "perennial child" who is constantly seeking external guidelines and concern in a "studied incompetence care-coercing" pattern. It is the "absentee mom" phenomenon due to her indifference and hedonistic self-indulgence.
Still another variation on this theme is the over-anxious parent who is so competence-anxious about parenting that they invest too much of themselves in the child, making the child identity-confused due to boundary violations. The child comes to consider themselves as "special", and they feel rejected, abandoned and angry if they aren't treated as such. They then become very good at orchestrating things so they are given their "special" treatment.
Still another process by which this outcome can occur is where the parents succeed in scaring the child of the world so that they never, ever want to grow up and to have to be an awful adult in that awful place. They also become afraid of the demands of the world, and they are apt to retreat into fantasy substitutes to block out the unpleasant realities of their childhood and of the world.
Another pattern is where the child is placed in a "role-reversal" or a "child spouse" phenomenon, where they take the helm in areas where the parent wants assistance, while they engage in studied incompetence around areas that would result in their growing away from the parent(s). The individual then becomes totally trapped in the "tie that grinds" as well as in the "coping cripple" effects. In effect, they are put in the "family hoist" position and then "spoiled" and "specialed" to keep them around the old homestead. This is in effect a thoroughly selfish system that produces a "pseudo-keystone" who does care and feel responsible for things but whose "service" and "support" have strings attached so that they end up functioning in a selfish manner as well.
One final example is when a parent who was raised in an extremely authoritarian, restrictive and oppressive household bends over backwards to NEVER do that to their child. This can then result in the parent's over-indulging, under-requiring and confrontation-avoiding to such a degree that the individual never learns the give-and-take and the coping competencies necessary for social living.
However it happens, the end result is that the individual expects the world to treat them like the parents did and they become severely survival-fixated on continuing their "sucking at the spigot" lifestyle.
WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?
The outcome of this whole process is an individual who is "forever young", who is perpetually perceiving the world in the manner of a frightened and dependent child. They are intensely vulnerability-anxious and cope-ability-concerned. They feel utterly overwhelmed, outclassed and lost in the world, and they feel that the environment is entirely too demanding of them. They are desperately dependent and too vulnerability-anxious to give of themselves. They are terrified of responsibility, and they are competence-anxious to the max. They also experience annihilation-anxiety in memory of that dire warning from the parent(s).
They are bottom line utterly pain-avoidant and overwhelmed due to their feelings of being overwhelmed and their lack of confidence. They are insecure, inadequate-feeling, disorganized and phobic, and they can't cope with the "cold, cruel world". They feel they don't have the wherewithal to make it, and they feel utterly unable to cope with anything. They live in terror of the world's catching up with them and wiping them out with expectations of competence. They hate it when people see their potentials and expect them to perform. Life's demandingness feels like a suffocating under water experience to them.
They are developmentally arrested at a very early age, and they therefore are totally self-immersed and pleasure-centered. They want their cake and to eat it too, and they are fixated infants that never let go of this expectation. They can't self-deny, work for goals, delay reward, tolerate frustration or complete projects. Their attitude is, "I want it all NOW!". They want to do what they want when they want to, period. They are compulsive consumers, total takers and perpetual players. Wanting to "play" is a BIG thing with them. Immediate payoff is all that really matters to them. Long term consequences and cost/damage to the ecology matter not a whit to them for the most part.
They are intensely boredom-avoidant, and they perpetually pout whenever anything is not rewarding to them every second. They have an absolute fixation on gratification, and they live a "mini-max" life-style -- "Minimize pain and maximize gain!". They are immobilized when joy is not immediately forthcoming, and their response is, "Oh, FORGET it!" if they have to work towards something or if they have to put up with something. They operate out of continuous settle-for self-sustaining self-indulgence. They are obsessed with pleasure, and every single move they make is designed to get their goodies and to milk the moment. It's almost their exclusive criterion.
They build their lives around their desires, and all other considerations take a back seat. They sort and scan everything for pleasure potentials, and they will go to inordinate lengths to procure pleasure in any and all present and future situations, at almost any expense to the ecology. Any deviation from maximal pleasure or any threat of pleasure-prevention is instantly picked up on and reacted very strongly to. They are looking for continuous external entertainment and instant payoff from all they do. When they encounter a situation that comes across as a goodie they can't get, it activates a massive challenge reaction and they come on with, "Oh yes I can!".
The "perennial child" considers their wants as paramount in a "center of the Universe" orientation. The world revolves around their experiences and whims, and they coerce and con the world to make it so. They are past masters of intentionality -- they expect positive out-comes, and they usually get them. They intend to "do their own thing" totally, with no restrictions or requirements, period. They take the line of least resistance and the most payoff in a "professional parasite" pattern. They do whatever is immediately expedient, the least effortful, the least pain-, cost- and commitment-involving and the most pleasure-giving in a "getting through the moment" lifestyle.
"Perennial children" have to have something going that's "fun" -- such as deep sense-stimulating, exciting, erotic, esthetic, altered state-generating, contact high-producing, etc. -- every single minute. They get "bored" (that is, scared of emptiness or monsters within) very quickly -- "boring" is a biggie with them. They pursue the "big jolt" experience constantly, and they use intensity as a means of shutting out pain and fear. They live their life for "kicks", and they utterly dread the absence of intensity of experience.
They expect everything to be fun the first time they try it, and "easy" and "hard" are big buzz words for the "perennial child". They are super-allergic to any form of negativity, and they eschew any form of it. They won't stand for any effort, inconvenience, restrictions or requirements if they can possibly find a way to slip and slide by. They pseudo-reassure themselves with their capacity to manipulate and generate intended outcomes. It is a "power through pleasure" pattern that alleviates their sense of powerlessness -- for a time.
"Perennial children" use everything -- time, space, money, emotional experiences, people, situations, events, resources, prerogatives, etc. -- in a unilateral permeable membrane fashion, a one way street going in to them. They want what they want now and they brook no movement in any other direction. "Tomorrow is for other people!" is their belief, and life is an elaborate "sting operation" to them. They go around draining and decimating the ecology and leaving it to everyone else to carry the load. They are insatiably demanding and expecting of total attention and approval everywhere and from everyone. They are totally self-immersed, their only concern being their comfort. Even their ethical considerations are in terms of how they feel uncomfortable being "in the wrong".
They have a profound sense of prerogative and possession over everything and everyone. They don't respect boundaries and they absorb everything in their path. But they'll fight you to the death if you want something of theirs or from them. They HATE being requested for anything, and they usually make you sorry you ever asked. They take whatever resource is at hand and go with it in a "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine!" attitude. They are massively insensitive to their impact on people and the ecology, and they are brilliant at rationalizing and justifying their every move. They are only concerned with the reward value of their own experiences, moment to moment, and with where their next "fix" is coming from.
"Perennial children" are quite grandiose in their self-experience (though not underneath). Everything has to be processed through their "specialness" treatment expectations. Almost nothing is allowed to pass without a demand or hassle, and they expect independence of the rules for the "common herd" --they are the "exception". They have to have their whims met to the ultimate degree possible under the circumstances. Everyone around them is subjected to endless intrusion, manipulations and delays as the "perennial child" pins down every goodie they can. They also want a discount on everything, and they haggle constantly. Their basic feeling is, "I'm above all that!", and they refuse to stoop to ordinary responsibilities, requirements and regulations. They won't go for "small potatoes". They have to have the big payoff or they won't bother.
They feel that the world owes them and that it has no rights, and they get royally pissed off at the "bad parent" figure when such people do have requirements and rights. They are compulsively responsibility-avoidant and universal prerogative-demanding, yet they take a totally "floating flotsam" approach to life. Everything that happens is not their accountability in any way as far as they are concerned, and they have nothing to do with anything that happens in their life, in their experience. They feel that they are the pawn of the powers that be, the victim of "persecuting parents" all the time. Natural consequences and reality feedback feel like arbitrary "magical misery tour" attacks to them.
The "perennial child" defines everything on their terms, and they demand to make and change all the rules of any system or situation at whim. They are into totally arbitrary control and control-avoidance. They react to requests for responsibility, commitment and contribution with a "You're a needy suck! You have no right to be so demanding!" response. Then they feel so "pressured", "restricted", and "overwhelmed" that they "just can't take it all" and they "just can't function like this", and they either shut down, disappear, run to a release or punish, or all of the above. They are inclined to perceive everything as a demand.
"Perennial children" play "pretend" with their whole lives, and they are always dreaming the impossible dream and then acting on it as if it were reality. They are "scheme in the sky" grandiose, and they live in a dream world of stated intentions, promises and fantasies. They are all ego, and immediate self- and other-impact of the moment is all they're interested in -- "Three Little Pigs" style. They are totally unrealistic decision-makers, and they focus on the trivial, on idealized conceptions and on "principles" (as in "hung up in principles" (HIP)".
They "mind-read", presume-assume, and put together pieces of reality and experiences they've encountered to produce convincing fabrications for their own purposes. They are amazingly skillful at self-delusion, and their whole life is fantasy and games. There is no reality -- just projections, assumptions, pretends, delusions, distortions and desires. They are super-absolutistic and dichotomous ("It's either this or that, period!") in their thinking. And the grass is greener all the time for them. They live in "strawberry fields forever" as they bullshit the world and themselves so much that they don't know when they are lying or telling it like it is.
They are past masters of denial and reality-deflection, and they blandly "miss" the most obviously blatant stuff. They are utterly insightless and self-blind, impact-blind and pattern-blind. They don't know who they are and what they're going to do when they grow up. They are highly skillful input-deflectors, and they have a mindless go-with-the-flow and a thinking-avoidant immerse-themselves -in-the-moment pattern. They operate with an "I don't wanna know!" attitude and they are systematically understanding-avoidant. They blindly project onto others and they obliviously ignore undeniable truths about themselves and the world. They are expert at twisting feedback into "gaslighting" and "crazy-making" accusations. You end up feeling you're causing them harm, and reality hasn't a chance and correction efforts are folly.
They are absolutely masterful situation-redefiners, mind-warpers, input-distorters, selective hearers, pole-reversers (as in, "It's not me, it's YOU!") and in general manipulators and change-deflectors. They are lackadaisically and whimsically irresponsible in a "let the chips fall where they may" fashion. They can't stand to be held responsible for doing things like housekeeping and rent-paying. They feel they have a right to do whatever their strong feelings dictate at the moment, with no regard, concern or conception of the ramifications and impacts of their functioning. They compulsively and continuously redefine and re-context so they are always free of any restraints, requirements and responsibilities. They never allow external situation definitions, and they do a lot of, "No, let's do it THIS way instead" interventions.
The "perennial child' is heavily into what could be characterized as "irrelevant perfectionism", in which they try to make the "perfect tree-house" out of their life -- or they won't play. They use it to structure their time because they are so immature that they don't know how to relate to reality or people. They love to set up "little tree-house" environments where they try to achieve perfection on the simple and childishly concrete level stuff where they can control everything. These little "tree-houses" are new adventures that promise to lead to "nirvana". But they are functionless and meaning-less mini-worlds, escape fantasies, and schemes in the sky. They are always looking to "strike it rich" somehow.
They expect perfection service and they pout and rage if it is not forthcoming. They are moral purists who demand a "perfect" world, and they resent and rebel if it doesn't meet their self-defeatingly high standards. They operate out of idealistic/unrealistic expectations in an infantile "My way or no way!" manner. They focus on the appearances of trivial physical/material accoutrements that fly in the face of functionality, importance, meaning and feelings in an "all show, no go" shell pattern. It is an attempt to survive in a felt malevolent world and to counteract their underlying profound sense of worthlessness arising from their lifestyle and life history.
The "perennial child" maintains a "double standard", in that they have all kinds of diamond-hard and rock-rigid rules, regulations and requirements of others, but they don't apply them to themselves. They play the "except me" game, where rules apply to all but them. They are geniuses at figuring out how they are the exceptions and don't have to have the rule apply to them. Their attitude is, "I am a kid. I can get away with anything!", and "getting away with something" is a BIGGIE and a constant goal for them. They are selfish children who don't believe that consequences could or should occur -- until they do. If the consequences are bad enough, they instantly find someone to blame or something to explain it away. They engage in much projection, accusation, accountability-avoidance, responsibility-deflecting and blame-throwing.
The "perennial child" is compulsively commitment-avoidant with regard to both work and love. They are too immediacy-bound and hedonistic to take on the responsibilities involved -- commitments are too reward-restricting. They fear engulfment, and they don't want to be hemmed in any way. They might miss opportunities and resources. A favorite tactic is to have 14 irons in the fire, with the result that their life is chaotic. The other favorite approach is to never pin anything down to avoid being confined to a commitment. They will say, "How do I know what might come up or what I'll be doing, feeling or needing at that time?". They refuse to anticipate the future and they say, "I'll just have to see what flows . . ."
"Perennial children" are super-externally referenced in terms of social standing, and they will go to considerable lengths to maximize their status "bennies" from anything they do. They are also intensely concerned with "looking good", and they use their pseudo-perfectionism to go after illusory statusful goals or driven unsatisfiable ambitions. They are more concerned with how things appear than with substance, and they seek to be seen with the "right" people and to be associated with prestigeful undertakings. They procrastinate and delegate to avoid all responsibility, but they want the status of the outcomes, if they are positive. They continuously put out braggadocio about "big killings" and significant progress towards meaningful, responsible and reputable undertakings, but there is no follow-through or completion. Then they complain about not being taken seriously.
They are self-aggrandizing, exploitative, superficial and massively over-concerned with themselves. They lack empathy, compassion and commitment, and they are user-abusers who are full of entitlement feelings. They are super-status and recognition-conscious, as well as being humiliation-paranoid. They seek to identify themselves with whatever is "right and righteous" such as the "correct" spiritual, ecological and "new age" approaches, but it is totally ego-dominated and self-serving. The truth is that they are after hotshot one-stop cures, get rich quick resources, and easy street solutions.
"Perennial children" are incredibly willful and vengeful. They'll go to all kinds of extremes to get their way or to get back, like the irresponsible and studied oblivious child they are. They are really rageful at their child status, powerlessness, and incompetence, and they take it out on everyone in a continuous barrage of devious devilishness passive-aggressive selfishness. They are also intense authority-freaks and they are in continuous rebellion in a horrendously oppositional manner. They wreak no end of havoc with their lifestyle with a sly snicker every step of the way. In effect, they want to make you as crippled and miserable as they are in a "travelling tornado" pattern.
Bottom line, the "perennial child" wants to be taken care of. They are totally convenience-concerned and stress-avoiding. They have a lot of cunning competence, but they live like a four-year-old who can't cope. They want all the prerogatives of childhood and none of the responsibilities of adulthood. They have to have a parent figure in every undertaking or they won't do a thing. They want complete carte blanche from the world, and they resent real and imagined gains of others. They have no real capacity to give, connect or be intimate. They are children in need of parents, and they are incapable of peer/friend, collegial, spousal or parental relationships. They are so intimacy-avoidant that they are denigrating of other people as "not coming up to their standards". Yet, they never go it alone, and they are always being supported by someone or some system.
A particularly difficult version of the "perennial child" is when the pattern is paired with its opposite -- the "keystone kid" (keystone-kid-personality.htm) over-responsibility pattern. This happens when the parent(s) expect them to be their primary support system while simultaneously undermining their ability to function and survive in the world, so they can keep them around the old homestead. The result is an approach that says, "Either I (pseudo-)take care of them or they take care of me!". They then take on accountability but not responsibility, with all kinds of accusatory and blame-throwing self-excusing for the outcomes of their lack of responsibility. They characteristically come through only in a real pinch, when they absolutely have to. The rest of the time, they use the "keystone" approach to hook resources. And when an attempt is made to confront or correct the "perennial child", the "keystone" comes out, while if you rely on the "keystone", you get the "perennial child" performance pattern. All in all, this combination is intensely confusing and hard to deal with.
Underlying this whole lifestyle/script is a lack of identity and worth as a person as a paranoically potent issue for the "perennial child". They were convenience-parented and given no chance to develop their own capabilities, destiny, goals, priorities, role in life, or sources of social and self-definition and respect, and they were given no means of having meaning to and in their life. Being taken seriously is therefore terribly important for the "perennial child" along the lines of, "Please allow my significance!". Dignity and worthwhileness are super-starvations for them, and they feel empty, rageful at their incompetence, and intensely envious of other people's situations. They are basically deeply depressed, and they do a "Lot's wife" -- "Don't look back!" thing vis-a-vis their underlying despair and futility feelings, their terminal nihilism and pessimism. They operate out of an "If you really knew me and what I am and do, you wouldn't love me" expectation. They therefore scan and con constantly as they compulsively cover up.
The problem is that they are in a total trap because the payoff is so complete, continuous and immediate, and "Why should I change?" is the resulting attitude. It is a voluptuous prison and an impenetrable fortress situation. They have a good thing going and they all too often end up in an "id-skid" slide down the shit-chute to oblivion. They also have a compulsion not to "grow up" for fear of losing their "natural child" creativity, resource-spotting, spontaneity, exuberance, self-expressiveness, charisma and "fun". They also face a growing hatred from and meaninglessness of their social surrounds that ultimately puts them in a "shit or get off the pot" situation. They reach a "fork in the road" point when they have to choose between a pointless, worthless, joyless, loveless life in a "skid row" type outcome, or death, or going for it. Often this shows up as a "mid-life crisis" thing where they turn around and examine what they have done and what they are likely to be able to do with their life. And all the options are very real, and it is not uncommon for them to death out or skid row it at this point.
HOW DO THEY FUNCTION?
The most outstanding characteristic of their functioning is their world-class manipulativeness and their cunning conning and cheerful charmingness. They systematically exploit every aspect of the innate reaction to "cuteness" that is the basis of commitment-elicitation towards infants. They are past masters at getting the world to meet their whims of iron and to remove their responsibilities. They get you hooked with the "When they're good, their SO good" bait. What they do DO, they do really well, but they keep everything on their terms. They are compulsive consumers, inveterate guilt- and sympathy-inducers, and consequence-deflectors. They get away with murder continuously.
They are utterly superb at appearing fragile, needy and endangered, but they are tough as nails. They set things up in such a way that either you let them suck on you or you have to seemingly totally wipe them out on the spot. They are masterful wear-down artists to get their way, with few ethical limits or reality restraints. They also keep you involved by promising to reform -- and they never do. They keep people hooked and feeding them with charm and occasional dazzling bits of maturity. But they mini-max and slip-and-slide their way through life.
Another common tactic is to utilize the threat or manifestation of punitive consequences if you don't comply with their demands. For instance, they will "fall apart temper tantrum" in an anger escalation-chain manner. They will also do "sit down strike" non-performances of essentials to force you to meet their requirements. They do a "Jekyl-Hyde" thing if you reality-confront them, and they systematically up the ante to compel you to allow them to do what they want when they want. They push it as far as they can to get away with the max, and they can make your life a living hell while they are doing it.
They are brilliant at introducing "boulders of truth", pseudo-information, and "clincher strategies" that they then use as the basis of orchestrating everything to go their way. They also play on people's weaknesses in a highly opportunistic and challenge-addict manner. Another favorite tactic is the "hostage" response where they bring in the possibility of harm to others if you don't give in to their wishes. They keep everything totally up in the air by continuous convenience-lying so you never know what's real. They also withhold whatever is going on for them because it gives them power and it prevents potential "Pandoras".
They are masterful at involving the whole world in their stuff, at ensnaring people into their trips, consequences and processes. They have an amazing variety of techniques and moves that allows them to have incredibly potent effectiveness. They are also willing to utterly refuse to do the absolutely necessary to force others to take over. In addition, they keep a "running tab" in a "tit for tat" pattern of their own interpretation and design where people "owe them" in their mind. They are expert at making the world accountable, responsibility-taking, guilty, promise-enslaved and hooked into their endeavors.
"Perennial children" get people involved by leading them to expect responsibility from them or by getting them to depend on them. Or they will seize upon any and all addictions that other people have to hook them into their game. Or they do a "Lord of the Flies" grabbing of crucial parameters with a willingness to go to any extremes to win a power struggle. Their goal is to be in control at all times and to do their "whim of iron" continuously. They are supremely skillful at territorial takeover with all their tactics, so that you can't win and you have to retreat and capitulate. They force people to be l00% vigilant and in control at all times or they engulf the entire situation with their trips and priorities. They are fanatically driven to be entertained every minute and they are always orchestrating to get it.
They are experts at re-framing realities in a sly weasel-mouth manner. They frame things with contexts that are not assailable or questionable. They keep the wolves at bay by keeping everyone off balance with information-withhold, distraction operations, confusion-inductions and the like. The result is that no one ever knows the full story on anything. They juggle and con-entertain constantly. They also make you feel that you are their sole lifeline, but if you refuse and make it stick, they just shrug and move on to the next re-source to pump and suck. Meanwhile, they leave you feeling evil, guilty and responsible for "harming" them.
"Perennial children" have a subtle smirking power position along the lines of, "I won't come through on your essentials until you give me my luxuries". They rarely give information or input without strings or hidden agendas. They also use mild disapproval, withholding and selective approval-bestowing as extremely effective manipulation control tactics. They are totally self-involved, selfishly canny, and taking in their manifestation. They are absolute geniuses at adapting to anything and turning it all into lemonade. They allow no handles with which to deflect them, and they will have their cake and eat it too, you can count on it. They make great acquaintances but lousy friends because of their horrendously "talon-gripping" dependency and demandingness.
They are past masters of irresponsibility by default in the form of "errors of omission" -- lack of follow-through, load-dumping, etc. They foot-drag and change superficially to placate the demanding environment, and no more. They are also stimulus-enslaved -- especially around goodies or "mother-rescue" things ("Well, I HAD to do something about their situation!"). The result is that they are commitment-breakers and promise-fizzlers par excellence. They will do all they can to slide by. They jerry-rig and "kid-incompetent" so that no requirements can be made of them. Always, YOU get the tab with them -- they put it all on you.
They are really good at knowing just when to pull in their horns and give in a bit to keep their supply line open. They make just enough accommodation changes at the crucial moments to keep things going. They are masterful orchestrators of the moment because they live in the moment. They never move any further than what it takes to get or keep their goodie. They do a conciliation-appeasement number to keep their umbilical connection. Take away the cornering situation and they instantly stop courting, seducing, pleasing and appeasing, and revert to form. They literally can't do something nice, realistic or responsible in and of itself -- it always has to lead to some pay-off.
They are notorious for their charm and charisma, and they are able to get people to take care of them by their incredibly skillful use of their "natural child:" to charm the pants off of everyone and to cop out of everything. They are incredibly ingenious and ingenuously endearing in an absolute masterpiece of being cute, clever and cunning. People fall all over themselves to serve them as a result.
They are also very good at looking like what's wanted in any given situation to get in the door of whatever they want. They want equal or total control, status, privileges and responsibilities but with no investment, cost or ethical constraints. They are great at "token contributions" -- which they cite as currency ad infinitum. Form, not substance is their game -- it's all show and no go with them. They are also highly effective at giving convincing displays of intentions and plans (that of course never materialize). They then cash in on all the social benefits of responsibility, accomplishment and contribution that accrue from their convincing cons. But once they've got their foot in the door, the whole process starts in.
They have a wide variety of "moves" that they use in their manipulative process. For instance, they will do an "I'm trying so hard but I'm failing" front. Another favorite is to lobby for commitments to do their bidding with pseudo-time pressures. They use the appeal of pragmatics and practicalities brilliantly, as in, "Well, you're going there anyway, . . .". "Just this one more handout" or "Just this last boost and I'll be on my way . . ." is an old stand-by for them. They also use the "too little too late" inputs move as they seek to "make up for things", along with "You owe me one" favor-expectations. And as far as their responsibilities are concerned, they always weasel out when things get tough, and as long as there is a way to slide by and not do what they don't want to do, they will pull it off, no matter what the cost.
Still another favorite is the "last minute, no way out without a prolonged struggle" trip along the lines of, "Oh, by the way", as they dump themselves onto the world and your mercy. They force you to confront or lie by stratagems such as asking things like, "Do you have any money?" in an indirectly implied scene or struggle if you confront. Still another strategy is to set standards and conditions around their responsibilities that are "reasonable" but which define out of existence anything that moves in that direction. Whining is another tactic they use that is effectively responsibility-avoidant via going into regressive mode. Finally, there is the "perennial child litany": "How do you know I'll be the same? You haven't tried me. I've changed (or I will change). I promise. I'll do anything to get you back, Mommy!", etc., etc., etc.
When all else fails, the "perennial child" turns to their most extreme strategies. For instance, they'll put out the "I'll fall apart, I'll die, etc." message. Or they'll say something like, "I'll see to it that your father will do such and such if you don't do this for me". Or they'll postulate potential calamitous runamok violent irrationalness as a threat. Or they'll turn to seduction or catastrophe-generating or hostaging to play upon your caring to get their way. They put out their trump cards just before the final hooking-capitulation or the final denouement.
When you confront a "perennial child", you had better be prepared to batten down the hatches. When you try to pin them down, they pseudo-logic, "mellow out", distract, and in other ways always put it all back on you. For one thing, they put out a profoundly convincing "You're KILLING me!" guilt-induction around "expecting too much of me" lines. They then go on to "I just can't take any more!" and, "Can't you just love me for who I am?" and, "If you really loved me, you'd . ." A favorite is to accuse you of being hung up, persecutory, selfish or crazy. They never own their stuff and they are compulsive in their trip, no matter how they rationalize it.
They are also masterful at reality-twisting and crazy-making as a defector strategy. They honestly believe their delusions and distortions, and it not infrequently happens that you lose your reality as a result. They are excellent hypnotists on the hoof -- the "great persuader" effect. They are incredibly good at word games and reality-twisting so you feel you're being unrealistic. They have an uncanny svengalian and machiavellian "puppeteer" effect on people, and they use that to great advantage. Another favorite is to take the culpitude and guilt and turn it into an attack for making them feel bad -- meanwhile they have your money . . .
They are past masters of capitulation-coercion reactions to confrontation or reality requirements. They defend/deflect reality-feedback with responses like repeatedly reacting with, "What do you mean (by that) . . .?", followed by, "Give me an example!", followed by invalidations, twistoflexing, confusion-inducing, red herring introducing, accusations, "boomeranging", etc. It wears you out very quickly, and you end up letting them have their way rather than to take on any more of this pattern of experience.
They have a huge rage reservoir regarding their whole life situation that is sugar-coated in a smiling vengeance trip that will be activated by your attempts to bring some sense to the situation. They get mad and extortionistic if you don't give them what they want, and they are extremely punitive of any needs and requirements. They are masterful at turning natural consequences into "persecution" and "attacks". And as soon as you confront them with something they have to do, their instant reaction is to say something like, "No, it's your responsibility (and I will wait you out on it)". The reality is that they can't and won't see their own pattern on threat of death (from the original injunction) and they can take absolutely no responsibility. And they will do whatever is necessary to deflect it at all costs.
They are excellent extortionists and hostagers, and they can become viscously vengeful if you pull back or attempt to hold them to their responsibilities. They often instantly transform into "Mr. Hyde" when confronted or given feedback or held accountable. They go into instant accusation, paranoia, assault, projection, distortion, mind-fucking, uproar and soul-slashing. You end up playing by their rules most of the time, and they almost always come out totally "vindicated" in their stance and style. There's no getting through to them. They keep reality and responsibility at bay by behaving like a "cornered rabbit" (who turns into a death-dealing aggressor under those conditions). They go for the jugular when their connection or escape is threatened.
"Perennial children" are incredibly intolerant and punitive of any of their stuff played back on them. They instantly move into their coercive tactics to return the cornucopia. They also always "put the blame on Mame" for the moral and practical effects of their behavior. "It's not MY fault -- it's yours!" or "That's YOUR problem!" are their stock answers. They deflect all input attempts with "Jekyl-Hyde lasers", mind-fucking, instant exit or totally agreeing and doing nothing. They are paranoid that way, feeling that it is all persecution. They get enraged and cagey and gamey when required to "grow up". They pout, tantrum and negatively coerce whenever a normal human expectation is placed on them. They freak and slash whenever any commitment is required. And they always win, if by no other means than precipitating a nasty scene, confrontation or throw out in the street situation.
They are exhausting to deal with because they push limits and goodie-get continuously, and they are like pit bulls who never let go until they absolutely have to. It puts you in the responsibility/accountability position constantly while they are scott free. They know and care about no limits, and they "Chinese water torture" you into compliance, often covered with "new age" or spiritual rationalizations and concepts. They work in such a small-step process that you don't get a chance to catch them in the act, so to speak, and it looks like you are persecuting them if you call them on one of their small moves.
They act like amoebas who push the limits everywhere they go, with little concern for the environment. They force people to find, define and enforce their limits and boundaries, otherwise they will engulf everything and everyone. They force you to feed or fend them off uninterruptedly, and they consider it the responsibility of the environment to put the brakes on. They rely on you to set the limits and they are like piglets who are always on the tit and giving little or nothing back. They insist and coerce you to carefully consider your every move and communication lest they fall apart or the situation does. Almost every interaction with them results in an "alum" drain-out experience. They are bottomless pits and endlessly ingenious inventors of potential payoffs to be taken from anything they encounter. They use everything for their goodie-getting.
They use people and resources as their "playground equipment". They are perennial "players" who imperiously expect to be waited on hand and foot, with no requirements or restrictions. They are totally egocentric, and their world revolves around them in a "me-oriented" fashion. They are totally payoff-fixated, and they want to totally receive and to give nothing. They often can't carry on a serious conversation, turning any topic into "child's play" or into a "sparring match" for the fun of it. They also frequently can't keep their mouth shut, in a compulsive expressiveness phenomenon, and they are "banal retentive" and ear-bending trivia-talkers.
They try to set up "perfect treehouses" and "trivial toy worlds", and life is a "video game" for them. They get immediate payoff or they exit, period. They are expert at eliciting instant rewards and results for their every response -- at the expense of the universe. Any resources are theirs, automatically. It's there so it's theirs, due to their childlike lack of ego differentiation. They assume that the world is their oyster and that they have the right to every potential pearl that can be pried out of it. There is no reciprocity, responsibility or reality with them. Nor is there success, respect and self-respect there either.
"Perennial children" live in and milk the moment at all times. They always handle the immediate situation and maneuver until the next situation shows up. They cop out of everything if they can. Immediate expediency and payoff are all they bother with. All else is shunted aside. Once the immediate threat or requirement or payoff is removed, they move on without a backward look. For them, life is one long series of brief encounters, starting with the charm-con and ending with the denouement. They are like quicksilver -- reality-re-defining, history-changing, rule-revising, criterion-shifting and re-interpreting. They run the show completely.
They are "thing"-addicts -- including in their relationships to people. They are sloppy and they don't pick up after themselves -- they literally need a mother to come and pick up after them. They are incapable of self-care and they expect someone to meet their needs and to provide for them. They have no quality tools for working and living, or if they do they are playthings and they don't/won't/can't use them effectively. They possess them, admire them and display them only.
They break agreements and then re-frame that as being part of their handling their own situation and needs, and as going with the flow. They are master rationalizers, and they can talk their way into or out of anything. They are so good at rationalization, distortion, justification and flat-out denial that they are crazy-making. They confusion-induce and unreality-introduce all the time, and it keeps everyone off balance and their free ride going. They actually expect a cornucopia trip, and it never occurs to them that someone has to pay the freight. Their attitude is, "I gotta right and you gotta comply!". They are "energy vampires" and they give little but occasional gratitude and excitement or promises reactions. And they usually leave turds and huge costs behind wherever they go.
"Perennial children" foster with great skill the false hope that, "If I just do it right with them, their promises will become performances and production". They use flashes of reality statement, responsibility-owning, and their inner essence to bond people to them and to hook people's hope. They are super potential-pushers, germs of growth manifesters, and change-hope elicitors, but then they fence and artfully dodge all attempts and pressures to generate manifestation from them. They play on their potential for all it's worth, but forget performance. They also use pseudo-change as one of their "ace-in-the-hole" and "pull-it-out-of-the-coals" reinstatement mechanisms.
They are extremely enticing in their use of "style" and promises and peddling potential after potential in a charming chameleon-conner pattern. They also use a lot of "maybe's" and "If such and such's" to promise rose gardens with. But they leave a long trail of unfinished projects and broken promises behind them. They know they have the potentials but they are afraid of overwhelm and inability to cope, not to mention the dreaded losses if they break script. So they live off their promissory notes as another child demand to be nourished and parented. Tokenism is their stock in trade.
They double-bind the hell out of the environment, and they get devious, "yes, butting", control-avoidant, and costly if you pressure them. But if you don't, they slide by and goodie-get some more. Yet if you take over for them, you've done just that, while if you don't, they blow everything and leave you holding the bag. They almost always win because they have complete control via unethicality and egocentricity-based broader options in nearly all situations. They do a masterful "Heads, I win, tails, you lose!" number. Their lack of awareness and ethicality allows them to do or not do things others wouldn't or couldn't. They also "loophole-leap", "eggbeater interpret" and totally "situation-twist" and in other ways coercively dominate to the point of absolute termination of direct communication with them. This leaves the total extremity response ("Out on your ear, NOW!") or no response as the only options for the environment. Then they get vengeful and cleverly manipulative. So you end up living with their shit all over everything or you clean up after them.
One of the more interesting aspects of the "perennial child's" life-style is that they are in a constant state of jeopardy due to their hand-to-mouth pattern. They therefore can sometimes live in terror of annihilation and some of them have "self-protection" devices like guns as a result. Their world is full of "good guys" and "bad guys", and they often do a heavy projection number that assumes that everyone is out to rip them off. A favorite phrase for them is, "I'm not comfortable with that" as a deviant self-justification for acting on their suspicions.
They are full of entitlement delusions along the lines of, "I gave more than YOU did!", "You're asking too much of me!", "How come I have to do it all the time!?" and "That food is the wrong color!". It's based on their "tit for tat" and "quid pro quo" "economic man" value system and world conception. They also live in horror of the nameless terror that would happen if they ever broke out of script and became "grown up". One of the ways this shows up sometimes is where they remain totally incommunicado and uncontactable -- no phone, elaborate arrangements and unreachableness reasons. They are semi-delusional about being "picked on" and "singled out for shit" by the world, and they are forever accusing others of their worst faults.
In the realm of relationships, as far as the "perennial child" is concerned, they are all parent-child in their nature -- with them as the child. For instance, they demand that you show that they matter enough to inconvenience yourself for them like the insecure child they are. They look for someone to tell them how to live, to make decisions for them, and to control their impulsiveness and self-destructive tendencies -- as long as they don't impose too much restriction on them.
When they form a "spousal" (actually a "play house-al") relationship, they frequently quickly tire of and become disgusted with their partner's ("parent's) body, and they have big control and restriction issues come up. They become rebellious and denigrating while remaining dependent. They have a continuous ambivalence and "in-out", "there and not there", "yes-no" trip in a seduce-withdraw/withold number. "If you're not gonna play by MY rules, I'm gonna take my marbles and go home!" is their feeling. They of course make horrendous parents due to their whole pattern.
They over-identify with and simultaneously get extremely hostile toward the "parent". They are really only interested in playmates and totally non-demanding and nurturing mothers, not partners. At the same time, they become very abandonment-paranoid and possessive around their umbilical cord parent-substitutes -- they are afraid of losing the "golden spoon". They want no other involvements or commitments that pull on the "parent" figure. This can get to the point of keeping their partner under "house arrest" with violent reactions to any attempts at independence or even interdependence from their spouse. They can even go so far as to impose the "bare-foot and (repeatedly) pregnant" routine on their spouse if they are a male.
Needless to say, the "perennial child" is heading for a fall, usually by the time of the "mid-life crisis". Sometimes, they have even started this by mid-childhood, when they have been put in institutions to handle the problem. In any case, they need desperately to grow up and to become a reciprocating human being in a caring relationship to their community and with the cosmos.
HOW DO YOU HANDLE THEM?
You have to treat the "perennial child" like an irresponsible child or teenager, with arbitrary responsibility-based consequences, restrictions and requirements. Never allow them to reply to a reality-confrontation. Just jump in with all fours and let them stew in their juices after you have made your intervention. You can't allow anything they say to affect you, no matter how realistic it seems. Especially when the chips are down and it's put up or shut up time. They are experts at re-framing realities in a weasel-mouthed manner that is all but unassailable. You have to think strategically and in terms of impact-orchestrating with them, because that's what they do all the time -- a matter of fighting fire with fire.
You must never expect of or depend on them or let them get control of anything important, because they will twist it into their own agendas. You have to be arbitrary and assumptive with them, and to pay no attention to their brilliant arguments, situational set ups, and clever coercions. Give them no handles, pragmatically, morally or rationally. They are geniuses of manipulation of appearances, environments, people and feelings. You have to assume a neutral parent position, handling a two-year-old with flexible but firm limits and requirements.
Nothing but pitchfork motivation and the school of hard knocks will move a "perennial child". Otherwise, they do their "I want it MY way and you take care of me!" trip. You can't give them ANY quarter or they will totally run away with it. They have to have heavy consequences to learn anything. You have to refuse all of their attempts to dump their responsibilities and put them all back on them. They need four brick walls against which they are always backed up. The only way to handle their games is to withdraw your energy, go meta to the whole situation, and have a neutral mind. They need firm external expectations, and they love it when they get them in a humane and realistic form. A key to keep in mind when working with them is that they always come out smelling like a rose after a fall or a loss. There is no need to buy into their guilt-inductions or panic responses.
HOW CAN THEY BE HELPED?
Intervention with them requires considerable external structure and training in living. Only a total push pitchfork program in which they can't pull their "good thing going" number can provide the motivation to change. One aspect of this is that their whole life situation has had to have driven them to the desperation point, or it won't work. Only when they know that the jig is up and its either skid row, death or change that they can actually start to do so. They have to have had everything break down so their back is to the wall before they will be able to change.
However, there also has to be the full commitment of the therapeutic resource person or persons so as to help them develop their survival capabilities. One of the key components of the de-"perennial child"-ing process is competence- and confidence-building. It gives them the answer that they DO have what it takes to make it in the world. There needs to be a lot of tutoring and support on a small-stretch, low-risk, inch-by-inch "success ladder" basis. They have to accept and experience that every step must be initiated by them in this process.
They need also to overcome the "cookie fence" and the "roaring lion of the death implant" to make it. There has to be an ever-present "velvet pitchfork" pressure operating to keep their nose to the grind-stone and out of trouble. They need this "velvet pitch-fork" to keep them from succumbing to the "goodie-getting" "cookie fence" trap. It's critical that they never get into the situation of getting away with the old patterns. They have to go to the ultimate choice point -- no rescue, no relief, and no release. They only can break free if there are consistent pressure events to make reality inescapable. There can then be a gradual phasing onto self-sufficiency and adult standard performances.
In addition, they need the support of the therapeutic people to help them face down their fear of the "death implant" and to handle the underlying depression that they have been avoiding and that will emerge in the process of the intervention. They also need a "safety net" during their "trial and error" phase of the intervention as they "try their wings" for the first time. When they do start to grow up, their first attempts at adult behavior have all the clumsiness and simplisticness of a child learning something new. They need reassurance and feedback for handling this experience. They also need desensitization at each step of the way out of the pattern, so as not to panic or succumb to the self-destructive "implant" built in so long ago.
They also have to learn to find joy in the activities of life themselves, not in big jolt experiences only. Low-key joy rather than high-power thrills and chills are the only realistic criterion for living. A good way to start this is to brainstorm a few solutions to their situation with them, and then let them go and process this on their own. Then try to implement what seems to be workable with them. They need to become less externally referenced and to become internally generating of their own joy, spirituality, love, existential guidelines, contribution, significance and self-trust.
The interventions need to be subtle and gentle but inescapable, so as not to activate their control-avoidance, effort-eschewing and annihilation-anxiety. Indirect induction via metaphors, stories and actual experiences around the joys of responsibility, achievement, success, power, choice and so on are the way to fly. You can also ask them what they are really getting out of their scam-by lifestyle in terms of significance, contribution and karma. They lose their automatic pilot payoff-generating process for a while, but then it comes back as abundance-generating from a position of power and confidence, instead of being a "dodge ball game" with the "powers that be". They need to find out that give and take pays off far better than sly taking.
They can be told that what happens is that they end up with a "bigger playground" essentially, and that it is fun to be powerful, prestigeful and competent -- because it's true. They will also find that their skills and capabilities in spontaneity, creativity, charisma, charm and all the rest make for a VERY successful life if they just use them correctly. They really respond readily to success when they actually go for it. Once they find out how much more fun life is as a childlike as opposed to a childish adult, they will never look back.
WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE?
De-"perennial child"-ing results in their going with "God's goals" with the use of their positive mind, instead of being enslaved to it. The result is a tremendous quality of life as they generate abundance for all. Effort disappears because they are doing what they like, obstacles disappear due to their mastery of manifestation, contributions abound, approval floods in, and positivity permeates all they do. They in effect begin to generate "practopia" as they move from "Murphy's Law" (that if anything can go wrong it will) to "Finnegan's Law" (that if anything can go right, it will). They have increased power, impact, respect, range and domain. And they go from "What's in it for me?" to "What's in it for we, for Thee?" as they seek to generate the best for all involved, including the cosmos.
They in effect turn around and teach their skills and generate resources for others to have their abundance. They make marvelous promoters and charismatic leaders who show the positive way to do things. They become a resourceful cornucopia for the community and the cosmos as well as themselves. They are an alert possibility-detector, abundance-generator and spontaneous creator who shows everybody how to have a good time while doing meaningful things with their life.
For more information on this pattern, see "The PUER" and the "PUELLA" by the author.
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