In memory of Neil Craig Roloff.
Born: June 29, 1947
Died: March 1, 1948

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Click here to see Neil's Picture Album

I, Gene Roloff, Neil’s older brother have created this memorial to honor Neil. My mother taught me the above prayer to say each night on my knees next to my bed before she tucked me into bed. I didn’t understand the meaning of the words until a few years later. The first time I understood the meaning, I was shocked and frightened.

I was a month short of two years old when Neil died. After I reached my level of self-consciousness, I did not consciously remember anything about Neil. There was a subconscious memory of his death that I did not consciously discover for forty years. Our parents removed all photographs of Neil from public view so they could try to forget what happened. I don’t remember any talk of Neil from our parents or relatives. It was a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for everyone that knew about it. The list of co-operatives included four grandparents, five aunts (Loraine H., Bonnie M., Marion G., Verna Marie K., Glorian R.) and six uncles (Harold H., Daniel M., Al G., Bennie K., Robert R., Albert K.).

I honor the spirit of Neil for his/her courage to come into my family. He made my life more survivable during his presence, and the impact on our parents made my life more survivable after his departure. Nine months of our environment was all that (s)he wanted to suffer, so (s)he decided to abort his stay and move on. I don’t know whether spirits have a gender, so I use the “(s)/he” personal pronoun even though Neil indwelled a male body.

We slept in the same room. Our parents slept in a separate room that was sound insulated from our room. With the doors of both rooms closed they could have an uninterrupted sleep at night. Our father was a self-employed farmer at the time, and since it was dry wheat farming there wasn’t much work to do in the winter. Nevertheless, he didn’t want to be bothered at night.

Our father was so unhappy with his behavior towards me that he committed himself to irreversible surgical sterilization, without our mother’s knowledge or agreement, while our mother was in the hospital recovering from the birth of Neil. Knowing our mother, she no doubt wanted more children.

Neil made a life-long impact on our parents. In the last few years of her life our mother entrusted me with all her photographs of Neil and his baby book that she recorded in.

Last updated March 1, 2003.